Lovely Memories and Connections: A Precursor to The Grief Venture

As I was sitting here putting together my to-do list for tomorrow a random memory popped into my head.

This summer there was a girl in my summer camp and her name is Jenna.  Jenna is a tiny little thing, but definitely older than she looks...and tougher.  She always came in bursting with ideas and excitement.  Sometimes I had to say no, other times I had to shush her.  But I always listened and tried my best to really weigh in on her thoughts.  She was charismatic and charming.  Happy and bright.  And we definitely connected.

She was in my play group and she fervently played a crocodile with style and grace.  She totally got what I was "going for".

One day I looked up and noticed she was standing away and to the side.  She was really upset for some reason and I had to take her away from the group and chat with her.  I knelt down and it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit what was happening with her.  She finally admitted that she was afraid that one of the other girls in the crocodile group was angry with her.  She said that she accidentally spilled water on her and the other girl got upset.

"Well it was an accident, and I'm sure she'll understand"

"But what if she doesn't?" She said through heaving tears.  "What if it's like what happened with my friend at school?"

"What happened with your friend at school?"

She tells me this saga of how she accidentally spilled her water on this friend from school and the girl still didn't talk to Jenna.  And Jenna was clearly deeply hurt.

"Jenna, let me tell you something.  It sounds to me that that's the type of person who is angry because she wants to hold some type of power over you."

"What do you mean?"

So here's where I had to go deep with her.  I told her about the type of people who will make her feel terrible about herself just to make themselves feel better.  That there are people who will put her down to feel like they have some type of control over their own lives.  She seemed to follow.  It's a difficult subject to understand.  I'm still figuring it out.  And I told her that.

"Jenna this is something that I'm still learning and I'm an adult.  There are some people that when you meet them you think they are one way and then you get to know them a bit and they turn out to not be who you thought they were.  And those are the types of people you don't want to surround yourself with.  You know, you can choose who your friends are."

She kept crying, sniffling and nodding.

"You can choose who you want to be in your life.  It doesn't sound like she's the type of person you want in your life.  Does she?"

She shook her head.  Really considering it.

"But you know what, you're the type of person I want in my life."

She seemed to understand that.

"Do you want to be in my life?"

"Yes" she replied, with the beginnings of a smirk on her face.

"Now, as for Allie (the girl at camp that she just so happened to spill water on), she's a pretty cool girl.  She's pretty laid back and I bet if you mention the water spilling on her she won't even remember what you're talking about."

We hugged and went back with our group.  Later she told me Allie said that she didn't mind the water after a bit because it cooled her off.

"See?"  I said to Jenna.  "That's the type of person you want to be friends with."

The rest of camp went by and the last day came, which is always accompanied with a torrent of emotions.  40 pre-teen theatre kids saying goodbye to each other.  An empath's worst nightmare.  I said my goodbyes.  I gave my hugs.

And then there was Jenna.  Who I knew was going to swim at her grandmother's house later that day.  I gave her a big hug.  She started to cry.  I tried to make light of it but it really got me.  Jenna was my buddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until next summer.  I said "But you can't be sad!  You're going swimming at your grandmother's house later!".  She nodded with her head still resting on me while her arms gripped me like a vice.

She let go and went down the stairs and walked halfway to the car.  Then she turned and wailed "WAIT!" and ran back and held me even tighter.  That's when I lost it.  We just held each other and cried.  This was the cool little girl who actually taught me about the world.  And now we were saying good bye without the comfort of a definite time we would see each other again.  It was wide open and I know I'll see her again...but I don't know when.  And she knew that too.

Being an actor isn't just about playing well rounded characters and being honest on stage, it's about being a human being in life.  Experiencing life in new ways.  And opening yourself to new life lessons.  Meeting Jenna has helped me enter the world in an entirely different way.  Having her influence in my life has at times helped me to remain buoyant in low times.  When I get down about...whatever.  Having her in my memory helps me feel like you know what, I have people out there.

This life sometimes goes by life a flash and other times goes by like molasses.  Connections are what get me through.

Jenna reminds me that I will be okay.

Onwards.

-C

'Tis the Season...

Really quick post just to check in with everyone on what's happening...

First things first, I'm back at Dickens' Village again for my second season there and there's a whole new slew of people there this year.  I always really enjoy it, kids like to take pictures with me, I get to surprise them with Santa, they all wish me a Merry Christmas.  It's a joyful place to be and I gotta say I like the job.  I especially like the hammer dulcimer music they have playing in the background.  It makes me want to go to a warm Christmas party with a fire place and dancing.  

I also got a job at Starbucks as a barista!  I haven't been in the corporate world for a while so going through formal training with such a big company will take some readjustment for me, but just today I signed the forms and I'm starting next week!  I'm really looking forward to it, make some more money, and they have crazy good benefits if you stay on for a bit.  So I'm excited at the prospect of using those once I'm allowed to.  It's kind of nice.  Like a bit of a safety net for after Christmas so I can figure out how else to make money.

Like I said in my last post, my plan is to work, work, work and save like crazy so that in the new year I can record a voice over demo in NYC and start really pounding the pavement with that.  I'm also going to become a premium member on Voice123.com so I can submit myself for auditions every day.  I think it's a good place to get some experience under my belt and earn some extra money.  A lot of people on the website make a fair amount of money.  So my December is basically work with Christmas somewhere in there.  So if I disappear for a while, that's where I'll be.  Working.  Working my batootie off.

I've also noticed that some bad habits that I've had before are starting to fade away.  For example I used to eat out a lot, grab a coffee here, some lunch there and before I knew it my money would be depleted.  I've been so much better about having more food options and planning ahead.  

While today I haven't been feeling very well (I think it has to do with little kiddos in Santaland...), overall I feel happier than I have in a while.  I feel proud and I really want to take care of myself and my future.  I'm getting back into a more regular smoothie regiment, I'm exercising on a schedule and keeping a log of it in my phone, and I'm trying to do things that I like to do, like cook or watch a good TV show or read a book or play.  I'm trying to get more sleep, though I am a night owl.  I'm working on getting up and outside.  I deleted my Facebook app on my phone because I was just on it too much and sometimes it depresses me.  I find that it makes me compare myself to other too much instead of being happy for what I have.  So I'm trying to make changes.  Good changes.  Slowly but surely.

My interviews for my SoLow 2014 project are well under way.  Because of scheduling I'm having to rearrange things but people are compliant and understanding.  It's already been quite a journey and I have so far to go.  More on that in a later post.  I think this project will help me understand the world.

Ed's mom gave me a recipe for ham and veggies with mustard so I think I'm gonna try it.  Off I go!

Until next time.

-Cindy

A Life Boat...

Something incredible happened to me yesterday.  For the first time in my life, opportunities were clearly and concisely laid out for me.  Let me explain.

I went to an intensive voice over class in NYC with PDR Voice Coaching.  Peter Rofé, who is the top voice over coach in New York, is an excellent teacher.  With 30 years of experience behind him I learned about etiquette, how to better my read, make strong choices and then make those choices stronger.  He coached me through 3 different types of reads and I also got to see other people in the class work.  

People in the class were from all over the place.  Three guys with low gravelly voices, a woman from London, a man from Ireland, a young musical theatre actor who loves to do voices, a man of Chinese decent born and raised in Italy, an insurance lawyer, a man from Romania, a set designer, a sales man.

What impressed me was that everyone in the class was actually really good.  Peter did assessments with people before accepting them into the class, so the day was productive and safe for us to make mistakes.  He also was brilliant at picking copy for us.  I mean dead on.

Also what impressed me about Peter is that he doesn't blab about his achievements in a condescending fashion.  Rather, he talks about his successes and failures, and encourages his students to realize that they can do it too.  He said "If it wasn't hard then everyone would do it", but Peter presented us with the tools to actually do it.  He has a group of clients that work.  Really work.  He works, his employees work, they have a state-of-the-art facility, and if you save up the money and invest in your career, then my God you can do it too.  And that money is made back ten-fold.  It's a business investment, the same as any other.

He didn't seem interested in tooting his own horn.  The work totally spoke for itself.  His coaching spoke for itself.  He didn't need to tell me he was the best.  I just knew it from the caliber of work and dedication he put in.  His studio manager, Rick, and his sound engineer, Matt, were also there the whole time and giving advice and helping throughout the day.  Three really dedicated individuals.

Holy crap.  I can do it too.  I can actually do this.  I feel like, for the first time in years, I'm not swimming in a vast ocean.  It's like a life boat came by and saved me.  Guys I'm like kind of good at voice over work.  I take direction well, I read well, I make choices.  Peter encouraged me to make mistakes, and also recognize that while I have the chops and training, I also have more work to do.  It was exhilarating, scary, motivating.  It was a life changing day for me.  My life and career will never be the same.  

I can actually do this with my life.

2014.  It's my year.  I'm saving money, I'm working my ass off, I'm picking up shifts, I'm making a commercial demo with Peter Rofé, and I'm going to be a voice over talent.  And I may just break a glass ceiling or two.

-Cindy

Highs and Lows..

I just worked out and I feel amazing!

I met an agent last night who was "meh" towards me and I felt like crap.

I had a really great callback yesterday afternoon and I felt amazing!

I had to turn down a voice over job because I just so happened to not be in Philly and I felt like crap.

People, that's all within 24 hours.  24 HOURS.  There's a fine line to walk in this business and I haven't found it yet.  Be emotionally available in the room but face rejection constantly out of the room.  Be outgoing but don't be too outgoing.  Be mysterious so they'll want more but don't close you're self off too much. W.T.F.

It's mad aggravating, yo!  This cliff edge that gets walked on that, honestly, I don't know if anyone ever nails totally.  What I find most frustrating is the fact that it's a business of opinions.  Someone could LOVE my headshot but then the next person I meet could totally hate it and be confused by it.  But I'm working on it.  It's a work in progress and the more people I meet the more I realize that I'm getting there.

I'm getting there.  At least I'm somewhere.

One thing that I am appreciating about going in for more people is recognizing that most people just want to see a journey.  Most people seem thoroughly happy about the fact that I come in and I present them with a simple story and journey within the monologue.  I have that going for me.  At least I have that.

I don't know if I will ever be a perfect package.  I'm messy.  But what I can do better is go in more prepped and more ready than I ever have before.  I can change my life.  I have that power.

Cooking lunch/dinner then off to meet an associate casting director for Roundabout!  Tomorrow is a day of relaxation, reading, tuning in with myself, and revamping decisions.  Then Saturday is an ALL DAY VOICE OVER CLASS with the one and only Peter Rofe.  I am doing it, y'all.  I just want to meet some people and guess what?  I'm doing just that.

Off I go.

-Cindy

A Tribute To Reubs...

Last night we had a gathering of friends and Reuben's family to celebrate his life and be with one another on the night before the anniversary of his death.

1 year.  I cannot believe it's been 1 year.

It was an open forum for people to get up and try songs, jokes, whatever inspired them.  Ed and I decided to do a medley of Grandma's Hands into No Diggity.  I like to think that Reuben would have appreciated the mash-up.  He and I shared a strong love and connection to hip-hop music.  His brother told me that he could see Reuben up there with us.  I firmly believe that Reuben was there with all of us.

Sometimes I wonder if his soul is in mourning.  I wonder if perhaps his soul is angered by what happened.  I'm still angry.  Not at him, at the circumstance.  I think it must have been a mistake.  That it was supposed to be someone else and he accidentally got in the way.  And it wound up being him.  I wonder that sometimes.

It felt good to see his family, see everyone and hold each other, eat delicious food and commiserate.  Though at these types of things I never know what to say to anyone.  I stayed close to the corners of the room and I didn't really seek out conversation too much.  I drank a few glasses of wine and said my good-bye's earlier than I normally do.  I'm the type that likes to wait around and see what other people are doing.  I don't want to miss anything.  But I knew the right thing to do was go home, have some white wine, talk to my boyfriend, cry, and go to sleep.

So there is a part of me that wants so badly to keep his spirit alive.  Last February I did a very short piece inspired by him.  Now that I'm a bit more out of the haze I'm ready to tackle that feat again.  I'm interviewing people for a project temporarily titled "The Grief Venture" and I'm producing it for the 2014 SoLow Festival.  It won't be longer than 30 minutes, but this is an opportunity to produce my own work, write my own work, and be inspired and uplifted by those around me.  And if other people aren't interested in hiring me why not hire myself?  I'm just as good as they are.

That's my tribute.  A work in progress that I will take on and delve so deeply into that I cannot see what's on the other side.  I want to be steeped and terrified in this work.  I need to face it and I want the whole world to see it.  This is life, this is real, and it's hard.  But Reuben taught me one thing.  Follow your dreams.  You are worthy.  Follow your dreams.

This year, since Reuben died, I've taken more risks than I ever have in my life.  My life in many ways is coming together.  I've signed up for seminars and classes, I applied to grad school, we drove across the country, I submit to every audition I possibly can, I made a voice over demo, I made a singing demo, I'm in much better shape than I was a year ago, I eat better, I cook more, I sleep more, I don't drink as much, I take care of myself, I'm more on top of my work, I make bigger choices in auditions.  That's just this year, what will happen if I keep this up even more so this next year?

What's after SoLow Festival is up in the air.  One step at a time.  But I want this piece to be so good that it's impactful, and recognized.  Just like Reuben.

I learned last night that I actually still don't believe he's gone.  I had a fantasy in the middle of everything that he walked into the Christ Church Neighborhood House and we all held him.  I just cannot accept that we won't be seeing him here on earth anymore.  I don't know what will allow me to have closure, but maybe having this project will give me comfort.

There is a quote from Stephen King from The Stand: "No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell.  You just...come out the other side"

I'm still in the blue section, but with everyone that is around me and supporting me, I'm not so lonely anymore.  And maybe I can work on being not so blue anymore.

Until next time

-Cindy

I Signed Up For A Class And Now I'm Broke: Tales from NYC

Hello all!

Right now I'm in New York City relaxing at my friend Chrissy's house until my meet-up with an agent tonight at Ripley-Grier.  Yesterday I met with Peter Rofe of PDR Voice Coaching in New York.  We met because I wanted to get assessed for his class that he's having in a few weeks.  It's an all day class.  10am-6pm.  So the price was up there but actually incredibly reasonable for the location, the teaching, and the length of the class.

First of all: HE ACCEPTED ME!  Secondly....

That means I'm broke. 

Until Friday when I get paid.  But yeah I mean broke.  Haven't-been-this-broke-since-college broke.  Thank-God-I-bought-my-bus-ticket-before-I-came-here broke.  Didn't-eat-more-than-a-bagel-and-granola broke.  BROKE.

A thought: How do we fund these lives of ours?  I always want to take classes, but the prices, while they are usually reasonable, are still out of my reach.  So what gives?

Maybe I'm not working hard enough.  Perhaps if I had more survival jobs.  What I do know is this: I need to get better at managing my money.

Yesterday was a wake-up call that I needed.  When I talked to Peter about this life he said that to get started in this business takes money.  It's true.  It's true that it takes money to make money.  But you invest in your career.  It's like starting a restaurant or opening a shop.  You invest.  And hopefully you'll get that money back ten-fold.  That's what I'm hoping for.  Not hoping.  That's what I'm going for.  That's what I'm going to do.

I am humbled.  I applied for a part-time job at Starbucks.  We are amping up our eBay store.  I re-applied for my Macy's Villager job (which I LOVED last year).  I am still doing SP work and baby sitting.  Clearly, however, I need more money to fund my life and dreams.  Thank GOD I met with Peter yesterday.  I truly felt that I was in the right place at the right time.

Today I sat down and wrote out a budget for shared expenses and personal expenses.  I have minor debt to pay off and I'm gonna do it goddammit.  I am going to get myself out of this rut.  Just like Irina said I WANT TO WORK. (Was it Irina?  Or Masha or Olga?  I can't remember).

So November will be my month to figure this all out.  And I will figure this out.  One day at a time.

-Cindy

p.s.: Anyone looking for help? (:

Constantly Looking For The Next Thing...

So much news!

First of all, my show Luckiest Kid with White Pines was a wonderful success.  We close today at 2pm (which is why I'm trying to squeeze writing this in before doing yoga and heading to the theatre).  At first the audiences were tiny.  I honestly haven't performed for such small houses since college.  But it was humbling and I believe that everyone who came to see it got a great performance.  There were times I was bummed out that there weren't a lot of people there, but the cast and everyone else involved was so amazing that we all went out there and put out a fantastic show each and every time.  Luckily this past week has been picking up with almost full houses.

The Cast of Luckiest Kid

I also got my final Voice Over Demo!  I'll be posting it on my website soon once I have time to update it.  It sounds really great and I'm really excited to take this next step in my journey as an actor.  It'll take time to build up but I'm happy to have this new focus, considering I've felt like I've been floating around, not really sure what I'm doing in my theatre career.  So to have something like this that's almost like having tunnel vision is actually welcome in my life.

Recently, I think because it's been nearly a year since my friend Reuben passed away, I've been thinking a lot about him.  At times it's all consuming and other times it's fleeting.  So I'm writing a show.  I need to get this out of my body and share this with the world.  It's no use keeping it to myself.  I'll go mad.  So I've been writing a piece in my head and a bit on paper about grief.  In February I did a piece with Brat. Shit. Crazy. II and this piece is influenced by that.  I actually wrote a proposal recently to a theatre company here in town to get some help with development so we'll see how that goes.  I should be hearing this week.  More on that later.

While I don't have anything official lined up in theatre, life is busy busy.  Our eBay store is going well and we have SO MANY ITEMS to add.  Now with the show closing I'll be spending a lot more time in the apartment doing just that.  Add add add.  It takes a while but once people start buying your items and you can pay your rent doing that, it's worth the time.  We're getting better at it.  Click the link below to see our store.

Alfies Nook

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my acting coach Peter Schmitz to go over monologues and some sides for an upcoming audition that I have.  I'm also going to talk to him about my direction in theatre.  Applying to schools and summer programs and whatnot.  I am also meeting with an agent in two weeks and going to an EPA in NYC to get seen by a Shakespeare Theatre.

The going has been tough with getting work in theatre recently but you know I have a great community here and wonderful friends.  I've been actively attempting to not feel sorry for myself but use the rejections as a motivator  (working out, looking for more work, reaching out to people, etc.).  I've also been better about trying to keep working while waiting to hear back from a job so that when that rejection does come (not that it always does but you get my point) I can say to myself "I have so many other things going on, I'm doing this and that.  And while I would have liked that job and it hurts to not get the job, I gave it my best shot and it wasn't meant to be".  Though getting three rejections in one week hurt (not gonna lie) but I had my cast of Luckiest Kid to hold me up and give me love.  That's just the best.

Also this week I went to a workshop with Tassos Stevens of Coney (a theatre and game company in England).  **SIDE NOTE** I was really tired after having a long day before the workshop but I went because I said I'd be there and I read up on the company and I promised myself I'd try to get out there and do more things.  I had a tendency to just bail on parties and theatre because I was "tired", but who isn't?  And seriously what else am I gonna do stay home and do...what?  But I am also trying to monitor when I am actually tired. **END SIDE NOTE**

Here is a bio for Tassos: Tassos Stevens is an England-based thought leader in the field of game design, audience engagement, and innovation and the founder and co-director of Coney. Stevens specializes in delivering play to people in all kinds of spaces, wherever they are.

YOU HAVE FOUND CONEY

The workshop was great fun!  We played games!  And I met new people.  Tassos is a lovely, talented man who ran the workshop with grace.  I wrote down all the games we played because of our theatre camp and the kids that we have in the camp are getting older and can handle some more challenges.  This past summer I really focused on ensemble and I think it worked.  Certainly having more of a focus helped lift the performances past what they have been in the past.

The next day New Paradise Laboratories (who hosted Tassos and Coney) had a party and Tassos did a beautiful piece called Jimmy Stewart, An Anthropologist From Mars, Analyses Love And Happiness In Humans (And Rabbits). Coney's work is guided by three principles of adventure, curiosity, and loveliness and this performance was just that. All of that. I hope I can use the ideals and games I learned in my upcoming work and teaching.

Alright. I must work out and get ready for the last show of Luckiest Kid.  

You rock.

-Cindy

Live!

Yesterday evening, I deleted the Facebook app from my phone.  It's my first step towards trying to "re-find" myself.

When I was younger, I had so many interests.  I read and re-read books, plays.  I wrote poetry, I took time to draw and paint.  It may have been partial boredom, but I worked my butt off.

Then I went to college and I was focused on my acting work, but other things in my life took over too, not the best influences, I should say.  It's almost become like beginning to fight off demons.  One by one.

There are times that I wish the internet had never happened.  Or that I wish it wasn't nearly as advanced.  Too often I find myself glued to my computer to do every day tasks.  When I'm listening to music I put it on my computer.  When I'm watching TV I put it on my computer.  When I'm writing I do it on my computer.  When I'm reading I do it on my computer.  When I'm researching I do it on my computer.

Everything.  And I'm going to break my habit.

Last night before I came home I went to pick up Chinese food.  And while I was waiting, I sat.  And simply waited.  Didn't take out my smart phone.  I took the place in.  Because to me, that's what's real.  That's reality.  Life in a virtual sense doesn't completely make sense to me.  And I don't want to make complete sense of it.

After I got my Chinese food I went home and my neighbors were chilling outside.  My neighbors are all about 50, 60 years old.  They were drinking wine.  And they offered me some.  And I had some and connected with people I hadn't really connected with.  It was amazing.  We didn't talk about theatre, we talked about the neighborhood, the community events coming up, making good food, and working out. I stayed out there with them for the better part of an hour.  Then I got hungry and said my goodbyes.  But it was this incredible connection that happened.  And I don't know how open I would have been to it a few months ago.

I know this post doesn't have to do with theatre, but it has to do with me reconnecting with myself and my interests.  Finding time again to read, write, and be outside in the world.  Creating is something I have wanted to do and I haven't been doing it.  Why?

Because I believe the internet made me lazy.  It's easy to scan through Facebook all the time and feel really shitty about not doing anything.  Because it seems like everyone else is doing the thing you want to do.  So then what's the point?

What do I want to contribute to the world?  What do I want to remember about my life?  Certainly not sitting at my computer not doing anything.  That would be a disservice to myself.  I like myself too much to not allow myself to fall into that again.

So I'm creating and writing.  I'm doing the Sunday Best again with the Berserker Residents, I'm working on Luckiest Kid with White Pines, I'm beginning to pick up where I left off on my children's musical (that's right, complete with songs as well!), I'm going to read, I'm going to continue seeing theatre, I'm going to travel, and I'm going to love.  My life will be important.  To me and perhaps eventually to the world.  Or at least a small part of the world.

I'm off to Quig's to have fun with the Berserker Residents and also my dear friend's show The Playdaters.

Until next time.

-Cindy

My first *true* marathon theatre experience...

I can't make this post too long because I have to clean my apartment and go over materials for Luckiest Kid (which starts up again tomorrow) and exercise before going to The Adrienne and seeing Ego Po's A Doll's House (I know I haven't seen it yet and I should be ashamed.  Being an artistic advisory board member and everything but...you know...I've been busy).

In any case, yesterday I saw The Nature Theatre of Oklahoma's Life & Times parts 1-5.  That equals 12 hours of theatre.  I've never experienced anything like this. For several reasons...

First off, the show was freaking 12 hours long.  With intermissions so they could transition (they fed us multiple times...including a delicious BBQ!  With organic ketchup!).  That's the longest I've ever sat in a theatre and been emotionally invested in something.  Ever.  The longest shows I've seen before was Elevator Repair Service's The Sun Also Rises, and Operetta by the Capitol Theatre (Wroclaw) in Poland, both of which were 3.5 hours long.

That's how long the first episode of Life and Times is.  3.5 hours.

Secondly, the entire concept behind the piece is unlike anything I've ever seen.  Over the course of 10 phone conversations, artistic director Pavol Liska asked their sound designer Kristen Worrell to tell the story of her life.  And she did.  And they recorded 16 hours of dialogue.  And they use that dialogue verbatim.  Each episode is a different "style".  So the first episode was live music and dance.  And it encompassed birth to about kindergarten.  The styles change drastically over each episode.  The next "styles" were 80's dance-themed, murder mystery style, an animation, and a book.  A freaking book.  While an organ played wildly live in the background.

The woman in the recordings is only speaking on the seemingly mundane.  Memories, flashes of thought, remembrances, feelings.  But the entire "style" of the piece, making each and every "episode" EPIC.  Well.  That was what touched me.  Truly.

Life is precious.

Listening to her talking about Fisher Price toys, the differing smells of her friend's houses growing up, Judy Bloom novels, having her first friend fight.  All these details brought up SO MUCH FOR ME.  So many memories washed over me.  Moments I was proud of, moments I was ashamed of, moments I had forgotten about.  What the woman was going through when she first recorded this dialogue (which is now being retold by the company members on stage, including herself) I was going through in the theatre.  Laughing, relating, crying.

It got to be a little overwhelming for me.

I had a hard time keeping it together in the theatre during the animation segment, because she talked about her family cat Bentley. And after watching about 10.5 hours of theatre by that point, I couldn't hold in my emotions anymore.  It was too much for me to handle.  Even writing this now I'm misting up.  I kind of quietly exploded in the theatre.

The piece is oddly universal.  It's a celebration of life.  It's realizing that while you think what you have to say isn't worthwhile, but in fact it's important.  You are important.  We are important.

It seems as though they tour often and all over the world.  So if you get a chance take some time and go see it.  My favorite episode was Episode 1, but all of them are thoroughly enjoyable, if not a bit off-putting and odd.  Well not a bit.  In fact there were a lot of off-putting moments.  But really it didn't feel as though I was sitting there for hours on end.  It flies by.

Go see it.  Experience life.  This beautiful life.

Until next time.

-Cindy

*Peeks around corner*

Oh.  Hey.  Yeah.  I know.  Yeah I know I promised to keep it updated and...well would you look at that I didn't.  Again.  But you know I'm not going to put myself down about it, nor will I apologize.  I will just update.

SO HI.  Hello world, welcome back.  It's good to be here.  Many things have of course happened since I last posted.

Ed and I had our most successful summer of Summer On Stage yet.  It was incredible.  Our dear friends Ross and Brenna were up there with us this summer directing and teaching.  That meant that Ed was able to really run the camp and focus on administrative stuff and we all got to focus on truly teaching and directing.  We noticed a difference and the kids noticed a difference as well.

We pow-wowed before hand all three of us and really pin pointed on what we were going to focus on in classes.  I focused on movement.  Straight up Greek chorus style.  We worked on building an ensemble and working together.  The older kids totally locked into choral movement and I had them write stories.  This one incredibly talented and wiser-than-her-years camper named Julia wrote a story filled with wolf imagery and journeys.  So we stuck with that and I read the story to them while they, along with the help of the teen apprentices, wrote a choral ode.  It was outstanding and beautiful and moving.  We were each able to establish a language with them so that when we got into rehearsals I could use words that they normally wouldn't understand.  Our camp moved up a level and I couldn't have been more proud.

The piece I directed was full of choral movement and flashlight use and puppetry and character development and music and call and response.  It was beautiful and the kids were fantastic!  The play was short and sweet but precise and told a great story.  I pushed kids.  I had one moment where were improv-ing a scene and this one boy did this great movement where he jumped up in the air with legs and arms spread out.  And later while we were rehearsing a scene he didn't use it so all I had to say was "Hey you did this great thing in the improv where-" and he burst right into what I was talking about.  I felt so connected to them this year it was wonderful.

So we did a little bit of traveling and relaxing and then Ed had to get back to town to start rehearsals for Bathtub Moby Dick with The Renegade Company for the Philadelphia Fringe Arts Festival.  So August was an interesting month because I had some work lines up but not much.  So, being inspired by Ed's sister, we started an eBay store!

Alfie's Nook

We are still working on adding products and such.  My mom and I were talking last night about the store and she was asking me various questions about it.  And I mentioned that we were getting items from yard sales and the like.  And my mom just said, "Wow!  My daughter the entrepreneur!" and it made me feel amazing.  It made me feel important.  And relieved a little.

August was good.  I made a lot of decisions last month.  I'm recording a demo for voice over in two weeks and I'm going to go forth with that.  I have worked out really hard and for the first time I'm really REALLY seeing a difference.  And I've been sticking with it and eating better.  I'm going to start taking Meisner classes at a studio in NYC.  I've been submitting myself to more projects.  Oh yeah and I've done some stand-up comedy...

This particular evening was hosted by The Beserker Residents.  Great guys, hilarious and really talented, and I'm looking forward to the next time.


Video streaming by Ustream

I start at around 27 minutes, but the rest of the comedians that night were really fantastic.  It's definitely worth taking a look at the entire show.  The rest of the show is linked in the bar next to the video on the USTREAM page.  I performed again at the Late Night Cabaret a few days later.  After Fringe is finished up I'm going to be trolling about, looking for more open mics.  There is one down the street from me and at Fergie's.  If you know of any more let me know.

I can't tell you how much of a dream it is to be up there and making people laugh.  It's a dream.  And I know I'll fail eventually and I'll get heckled, but something happens to me up there.  I feel really powerful.  And I am looking forward to doing it again.

So fringe is happening and I've seen some really great stuff.  I saw Ed's amazing show: Bathtub Moby Dick .  It's so good.  I couldn't be more proud him.  The press has been great and so have the audiences.

So far this Fringe I've seen Ajax: The Madness, Pay Up, and Completeness.  Tonight I'm seeing BASEMENT and this weekend I'm seeing Holly's Dead Soldiers, Life & Times, and A Doll's House.  Next week it's The Talk Back and I'm actually going back into rehearsals for White Pine's production of Luckiest Kid, which is a world premier opening in October.  You should come see it because it's going to be BEAUTIFUL.

You can get tickets here.  It's directed by Ben Lloyd (who founded the company in 2009) and written by the incredible Martha Kember.

Featuring: Martha Kemper, Joshua L. Browns, Cindy Spitko, Eva Hall, Fleece, Andrew Carroll, Dan Ison

So that's about it for now.  I know I'll be thinking of more things to update you all on.  But life is good, we are getting into Autumn, changes are happening and there will be more to update I'm sure.

Be good to one another.

-Cindy

Embrace the funny...

Officially EMC!

Hello friends!

So yeah that pic is from the other day when I received my EMC card in the mail!  Very exciting for me.  Depending on what type of audition I go to and how they decide to run it, I can get seen before Non-Equity actors.  I've spent the past several years being Non-Eq at EPA calls and it is not fun.  So I'm on my way.

A Little Night Music is about to close in about a week and I'm sad to see it go.  I saw it again on Thursday with my friend Dana and it was of course so good.  I've seen it I think about 8 or 9 times since watching that first run through of Act I which feels like so many months ago.  I'm sad that I won't be going back on, but it really has been a joy watching Karen in that role.  There's so much I can learn from watching her!

These weeks where there is "downtime" are hard.  I've tried to fill it with workshops and other types of work (chores!) and it's hard to get moving sometimes.  I find it's easier to get going when I'm busy busy busy rather than having one or two things to do in a day.  It makes me want to sit around and eat bon bons all day.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but wanting to do that all the time can be troublesome.

So today I'm meeting with my friend Alex Bechtel to help me with a song.  And then I'm working out.  Then I'm definitely doing chores (i.e. cleaning the bedroom I had no time to clean for all of May and most of June...or so I told myself).  And then I'm seeing my friend Josh Hitchens' show: Guilty But Insane.  It's a part of the SoLow festival here in Philadelphia.  SoLow Festival 2013.  This is it's fourth year and it's grown SO MUCH since they started.  My good friend Johnny Smith is doing this piece: My Last Trip to Nowhere Land.  I saw my friend Kevin Meehan's piece Last Meals From Death Row where we ate a conglomeration of different people's last meals.  Yes it was in some ways disturbing but also thought provoking and I feel inspired by my friends and colleagues to explore what I can contribute to this world of art.

I was feeling down the other day and I talked to Peter Schmitz, who is an actor here and he was my monologue coach for grad schools (See: Multiple Focuses at Once...).  He gave me sage advice about creating what I want to and just going ahead and doing it.  So I have ideas for next year's SoLow festival and also just for characters to create.   I find that I don't give myself and my ideas enough credit.  Often I'll have a creative thought and I'll shut it down in my head because I don't think it's "good enough".  But now looking at it through that lens I have to say that that's completely unfair to myself.

I had a someone tell me once, "You're afraid of your own power" and at the time I didn't know what that meant.  But I'm ready.  I feel like I'm ready to take those risks.  For the first time in my adult life I feel secure in myself in who I am.  And I'm ready to try new things.

For example I went to NYC the other day for a Musical Theatre Intensive.  It wasn't really, well I guess you could say it was intense.  It's what they call a "one-on-one" session and the session I attended was with a casting director and a talent agent.

It was scary.  And hard to hear what they had to say, simply because in that world of musical theatre I don't know what I want.  There I said it.  And when they asked me where I think I fit in I didn't know how to answer.  I told them that I was in a transitional spot where I'm not super young but I'm not all that old.  So I feel confused sometimes.  And they said well that's something you need to figure out.  As I sat and thought and watched other people sing their selections I thought....

I'M FUNNY!  I'm a funny woman.  I make people laugh.  And I do it well.

After the sessions were done I went up to the casting director and mentioned that and he said he understood my issue with the age.  "But if you embrace the funny, the roles will come to you".

So this past week after that I've been going for it.  Enough of this wishy washy nonsense, I've been looking specifically at roles on Backstage and Equity and if I think I'm right for it, I submit myself.  I don't try to over think it, I don't try to wonder what they are looking for.  If I think I'm right for it, I submit.  End of story.  So far nothing has come out of that save for an email that said they would pass my information along (success!) but I think it's best for me to fire on all cylinders and tell them, "Hey, I'm this, that, and the other thing.  This is my awesome credit that makes me think I can do this.  I'm available and interested.  Hope we can keep in touch".

One last thought before I throw on clothes and run out the door: If other people can do it, why can't I?

Until next time,

-Cindy

P.S. For another good read from another awesome woman (which is going viral) read my friend Katherine Fritz's blog: i am begging my mother not to read this blog.  Profanity laden wisdom.

Getting ready for the summer...

Acting is a weird profession sometimes.

I remember my father saying to me a few weeks ago, "Your life is so different from mine."  My dad's a semi-retired environmental engineer.  I'd say our lives are very different in many many ways.

First of all, I can't do a 9-5.  Tried.  Won't do it ever again.  When I look at my calendar, every day is different.  Sure, there are times when I have weeks of a standardized patient job, but that's usually 4 days a week and for a limited time.  To look at my calendar now and see that in about 6 months I don't have work scheduled yet, doesn't bother me.  Something always comes up, which is dangerous to rely on at times but that's the way it is.

It's taken me 5 years to get comfortable with all of this.  I feel like I just now am getting a grip on my work scheduling, planning the actual work, and my finances.  Getting older has been good to me.

As my friend and mentor Jess Conda once said to me, "It's a very calico lifestyle".  We take work from everywhere and assemble a life out of that.  I'd rather that than a 9-5 any day.  And honestly a full-time job really exhausts me.  I have mad respect for people who can do a full-time gig but also do more on the side.  When I'm working those hours I have a hard time doing what I love (like seeing theatre or even reading) let alone going to the gym and having more work and responsibilities at home.  I turn into a bit of a blob.

This summer, Ed and I are going up to Massachusetts again for our third year of Summer On Stage.  So for work right now, since my Temple SP job just ended for the season, I'm focusing on this as well as doing a few odds and ends (including UPenn SP work and constantly working on A Little Night Music).

We love our summer camp.  The kids are great, the families are fun, and I learn so much.  This year because of schedules we unfortunately cannot be in Massachusetts for 6 weeks like the previous two years.  So this year we pared it down to 3 weeks in total and we are bringing our friends and colleagues Brenna Geffers and Ross Beschler to teach with us.  This is exactly the kind of growth we wanted to move towards.  I think that because we have a shorter amount of time, we won't feel so tired by the end and we can give the kids an even better experience.  And since we have more people, Ed can really focus on his responsibilities as Camp Director and run the camp, instead of having to deal with a bajillion other responsibilities.  That way Ross, Brenna, and I (as well as our Stagecraft teacher, Sam, who's been with us all three years and is amazing) will be able to focus on our classes and rehearsals.  We've learned so much from the past two years that I think this year we'll be able to run it like a well oiled machine (or at least a machine in need of a little WD-40).

Here's our website: www.summeronstage.com

Summer can sometimes be a lonely ghost town for actors.  If you don't book acting summer stock work or a camp gig it can be deadly.  Please tell me if I'm wrong on that because those are really the two jobs I've been able to get in the summer, one of which I had to create in order to get.  Maybe I'm picky...

Anyway, I am off to run some errands.  It's a beautiful day here in Philadelphia.  Hope it's beautiful where you are.

-Cindy

In which you go on as an understudy...

Hello everyone!

This past week (or I should say several weeks) were incredibly busy.  I was working nearly full time as a Standardized Patient at Temple Medical School as well as attending rehearsals and performances for A Little Night Music, seeing other theatre, and going to the gym as much as possible.  Yesterday was my first real day off so I took care of things I've put off like getting a hair cut.

This week in particular was stressful.  But the kind of stress that you hope for as an actor.  The woman I'm currently understudying, the incredible Karen Peakes, got a little sick and needed to go on vocal rest.

Let me set the scene.

So Tuesday night we had our final understudy rehearsal before our full understudy run on Thursday.  Earlier on Tuesday I saw on Karen's facebook that she wasn't feeling well and there were two shows set for Wednesday at 2pm and 6:30pm.  So I thought for good measure I would email the powers that be at The Arden and tell them that while Wednesday's matinee would be my only conflict because of work with Temple, if really need be I would get out of work and make myself available.

Good thing I did.  Later on Tuesday we decided that I was to come in at 9am on Wednesday for a costume fitting and if she was feeling alright for the matinee I would watch the matinee and hang out until I got the word for the evening performance.  I told my boss at Temple and she said it was totally fine and she congratulated me.  So off I went to the Arden Tuesday night for our understudy rehearsal and I slept relatively well until packing a bag for myself and catching a bus to The Arden.

My costume fitting was nerve wracking but fun.  Alison Roberts, the costume supervisor, was so friendly and conversational and made me feel right at home.  The costumes and shoes she pulled were gorgeous and fit me like a glove.  It was my first time really wearing an actual corset (and it was a joy to have my friend and colleague Meredith Boring backstage to lace me up).

So after the fitting I checked in with the assistant director, Sam Tower and we talked for a while about the character and how I can better tell her story.  I sat in The Arden's offices and tried to calm myself, having been on stand by for nearly 20 hours, not knowing definitely if I was going to go on.

Finally, I decided to sit outside and go over my lines and song.  The birds were chirping and it was beautiful outside.  Then around 10:45 I got the call from the stage manager, the lovely John Grassey, saying that it was official: I was going on at 2pm.

The official call.  After that I went backstage, sat on the floor, went over lines even more, and started to cover my tattoo.  I actually didn't really know what to do with myself with that time so having an activity like that was helpful.

About a half hour before "half hour" (the official call time for the actors) we had a "put in" rehearsal.  The cast was amazing.  They all checked in with me and said that if I had any questions or any concerns they would make themselves available.  Ben Dibble, who played my husband Carl-Magnus, took the reigns on the dancing and was SO HELPFUL.  He made me laugh but made sure to let me know that he was there for me.  Everyone did.  I felt like I was walking on air.  Chris Mullen (who plays Fredrik) took me through step by step of our little waltz we do at dinner and he said "we finally get to share the stage with each other".  I was enthralled.  We went through a few scenes with the time we had (which was 30 minutes) and then I was off to get make-up and costumes on (in which I discovered the beautiful Alex Keiper bought me a tasty good luck doughnut!).  There wasn't any time to collect myself so....

...THANK GOD I WAS PREPARED.  We hadn't had the full understudy run yet.  I know my lines verbatim.  My blocking was pretty solid as well.  And what my character was doing was mostly there, though I must admit  I discovered so much on stage.

I was most nervous about the dancing and the singing.  Mostly because it was the first time I had done anything with the full orchestra.  The first time I ran "Every Day A Little Death" with an instrument other than piano was the 2pm matinee.  Yes.  It was terrifying.

What was nice about being prepared was that I met my personal goal.  If I was to go on stage I wanted to go in confident and make sure that no one worried about me.  I wanted to allay the fears as much as possible and with my confidence say "I got this.  No worries".  I also didn't have to worry about what my next line was.  I was in the scenes.  Fully.  It was so fulfilling.

One funny thing that I discovered while on stage were the scenes that we hadn't gone over.  While we were doing them I thought to myself, Oh my gosh...we NEVER went over this in understudy rehearsal. Including the long (and I mean long) kiss at the end of the show.  That just had to do with actor availability.

I did wind up going on for the 6:30pm show as well.  I had so much fun.  It was surreal and exhilarating.  I was up there on The Arden stage.  With my teacher from undergrad, Grace Gonglewski (who plays Desiree) up there with me.  I even got to look her in the eyes during the dinner scene and say "Dearest Miss Armfeldt, do regale us with more fascinating reminiscences from your remote youth".  It was a blast and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.

Ed was able to see the 2pm matinee and afterwards he went downstairs to the greenroom with me and Terry Nolan, the director, was there and he gave me the biggest hug.  I was near tears.  I'm so happy with my experience.

The 6:30 show was completely different, in that the actors backstage were carrying on like it was a normal show.  I'm sure that the first understudy brings on a bit of anxiety, especially since they really had no gauge of how I was going to do.  But the evening performance was deeper for me.  I wasn't nearly as nervous (though the song was still nerve wracking) and I felt so much more "in it".

This was the sign in board backstage.  The question of the day was "How great will Cindy be today?". Of course everyone was so nice (except JAKE BLOUCH!)

My costume for Act I

Grace and I in our dinner attire

Thursday's understudy run went swimmingly.  Everyone did a great job!  A bunch of the cast was there  and Sam and Terry were as well.  Karen was feeling better by Thursday and she went on for that performance.  I'm glad she's feeling better.  Honestly I wouldn't be nearly as deep into the character if I hadn't watched her discover and grow with it over the past month.  She's so talented and I could only hope as an understudy to bring to the character what she brings with such precision and ease.

After our understudy run, when I got the official call that I wouldn't be going on, I went home and slept for 16 hours.  I guess running on pure adrenaline for a 48 hour period will do that to you.

Thank you, Arden Theatre, for giving me the experience of a lifetime.

Until next time, 

-Cindy

A Weekend in the Country...

Hello All!

The past few weeks have been very very busy.  Good busy.  I've been working as an SP at Temple Medical School during the day, going to the gym, then doing something in the evening, usually going to The Arden to see a run through of A Little Night Music, or working on that, or seeing a show.  I haven't had time to post much recently so I'm sorry if I've neglected this little blog.  But I have updates.

A Little Night Music is a charming and romantic musical that just went into previews at The Arden Theatre Co. in Philadelphia.  I was asked to understudy the role of Charlotte, who is played by Karen Peakes (who, by the way, is fantastic in the show).  The experience of being an understudy is unlike anything I've done in my life.  Or, I should day, being an understudy who is actually doing what they are supposed to do is unlike anything I've ever done.

See, I was supposed to understudy Ado Annie in my high school production of Oklahoma but I didn't take it seriously.  I had a scare where the girl who played Ado Annie (Courtney Starr Pezola, who again, was amazing) came late to school after their senior year class trip and almost didn't make it in time for her to be considered "present at school", which was, I believe 10:10am.  That would mean that the performance that night would have had to be me, little unprepared me, because she wouldn't have been allowed to perform that night if she had been considered absent that day.  I remember very vividly watching the street outside waiting to see her car drive down Loch Alsh Ave and turn into the high school parking lot.  Long story short she got there with about 10 minutes to spare and she went on.  When I saw her later that day I hugged her and said to myself "I'm never putting myself in this position again."  Thusly, I have been treating this whole opportunity very differently.

It's a treat to work on a musical of this size and caliber.  Just being in the rehearsal space with everyone was like feeling electricity pop all around you.  Actors are making strong, bold choices with extraordinary voices (one of whom, Teri Bibb, played Christine on Broadway in Phantom of the Opera!).  Terry Nolan, the director as well as Artistic Director at The Arden, is a very precise and caring director, he seems like a really great leader.  He was always honest with the cast but never condescending.  In fact he was always really complimentary and would say things like, "That was really great, you lovely lovely group of people".  Everyone working on the piece is really talented people, it has turned out to be a gorgeous piece of theatre.  Watching it grow has been a delight.

Yesterday was my first understudy rehearsal and it went well.  Of course there is always work to do but I felt very prepared and ready to work.  Though I never feel truly totally prepared, especially when I'm on my feet on stage for the first time, so when I was finished with my scene I was a disappointed in myself, constantly thinking about how I can do more work.  Sam Tower, the assistant director, gave me great direction and I was happy to hear how I can make this character more on point.

There are, I feel, a lot of things you need to balance while you're working as an understudy.  I had to call the actor's hotline every day to hear if my character was called at rehearsal the next day (which honestly was kind of a thrilling experience for me.  I get to call...a hotline?  It felt so old school and all..."actory" to me.  Anyway, I got a kick out of it).  I had to decide how often to go to rehearsals, not just depending on when my character was called, but also if I had conflicts like working, and also I didn't want to be there all the time.  I was there as often as I needed to be, I didn't want to overwhelm them with my presence.  I tried to show up to rehearsal 1-2 times a week, so that I really did see it grow and change, I became more and more comfortable with the show.   It was also good to be there just to show my face and get to know people I didn't know before.  When I would decide to not go to rehearsal I spent a lot of time working on lines and singing the songs to get them down and sounding alright.  I met with my sister and she helped me plunk out the songs on her piano.  Ed's been helping me with lines and my intentions.  And I've been drilling and drilling until I get closer and closer to cold on the part and the lines.

The idea of going on, IF that happens, is all at once exciting and terrifying.  But I'm trying not to focus on that.  I'm trying to get my work done so that if it does happen I can walk in and be confident, precise, honest...and just simply tell the story.

I'm going to see another preview tonight so we'll see how it's changed since the dress rehearsal I saw on Tuesday.  I am still struggling with the switches in intention.  I can get cerebral in my acting and sometimes I just need to accept that thoughts come and go and sometimes we say things when we aren't thinking, or when we are angry, or happy.  That a character, if written well, speaks exactly how they are.  I don't need to "act" it, it's all within the dialogue.  I just need to be it and live in it.  Which, as a lot of actors know, dangling off that cliff and allowing yourself to risk and possibly fail, is a very scary and sometimes petrifying place to hang out.  But that's my goal.  I'm going to listen and not focus on my line.  I'm going to focus on being.

What's cool is that there is an understudy run during the day in early June.  So I need to know my character cold by that point at least!  I don't know all the details as of yet but once I know I'll post them on this blog and my website.

Well I have a lot of housekeeping things I need to take care of, that I've severely neglected over the past few weeks.  So I must get on that before hitting the gym and going to The Arden tonight!

Be well, and if you haven't seen "Failure: A Love Story" by Azuka Theatre Co in Philadelphia, you need to try and get to see it.  Show tonight at 8pm and tomorrow at 2pm.  It was a very emotional experience for me, but that's part of why we do this.

Until next time...

-Cindy

Back in the Saddle Again...

Greetings, All!

I have a lot of really exciting news to share with you.  Things have been going well for me since coming back from my amazing and life changing cross country trip...

Grand Canyon!

So, officially, as of Thursday, I have signed the paperwork to become an Equity Membership Candidate!  This is a really exciting step to be taking.  While I was signing the paperwork I had to pause and take in the moment.  I have been working towards this for five years and now finally I have Equity points.  I celebrated with a piece of chocolate.

The reason I actually now have the points is because I'm understudying the lovely and talented Karen Peakes in the upcoming A Little Night Music at The Arden Theatre for the role of Charlotte.  Tonight I'm going to a stumble through of their Act I, and pretty much anytime I have free time available I'll be at their rehearsals.  Musicals can be deceptively difficult and tedious work.  I feel like no matter how much you prepare, you finish one thing, turn around and there's still a million things to do.  But I suppose that's the wonder of musicals, to make it look easy.

This past week since getting back I started doing a 30 smoothie challenge from Simple Green Smoothies and I cannot tell you how amazing I have been feeling!  More energy, I feel full longer, and I am fortifying my body with delicious nutrients from fruits and veggies, something I was severely lacking.  I have also challenged myself along with that to exercise everyday except Sundays (my day of rest).  Within this week I already feel like my life has changed.  Seriously, I think everyone should try to do the upcoming 30 day challenge in June.  Their smoothies taste amazing.

Also this week I was doing a mini school tour with BCKSEET Productions.  Every year they get a grant and put together a program called "Class Act" in which they use professional actors and bring plays to schools.  We did an all-women cast version of Julius Caesar and I had the magnificent opportunity to play Mark Antony.  It has reignited my love for that play.  Or I should say it has simply ignited it.  I read it out loud my sophomore year of high school and I remember watching a dour version of it in class as well.  I remember Portia's scenes were dimly lit and it was pretty boring.

JULIUS CAESAR ROCKS!  What a PLAY!  The Language!  Wow.  "Until then, think of the world."  That was the line while re-reading it this time around really snagged me.  I guess since my bad experience in high school I was turned off by it, but now that I am really proficient with the language of Shakespeare in general I am able to appreciate it more.  It was also helpful to hear it read out loud by amazingly talented actresses (Sarah Doherty, Catherine Palfeiner, Kate Brennan, Sarah Schol, Amy Hume, Mary Lee Bednarek, Jennifer Summerfield) and not high schoolers who stop at the end of every line.  It again reminded me of how much I love this community here.

Today I go back to rehearse with BCKSEET for a reading of a play called Bullyrag by Molly Lang.  This is sponsored in part by the Ani Fund, and part of that goes towards a scholarship through BCKSEET that goes directly to young artists.  It's inspiring to see artists my age doing such thoughtful and innovative work.  The reading is happening May 12th at 5pm at The Adrienne Theatre.

That's about it for now.  Ed and I are gearing up for summer camp and we are very excited!  Looking forward to another awesome summer with awesome kids.  They always teach me something.

Be well, world and until next time...

-Cindy

Road Trippin...

Hello all!

Just a quick update to let you know what's going on with me!  The past week my boyfriend and I road tripped across the USA to our final stop in LA where we've spent the past two days and we have two more days to hang out here before we head back to Philadelphia.  It's been nice to hit the reset button and I have seen and experienced so many new and wonderful things since being on my trip.

I saw the Grand Canyon, Zion National Park, went back to Hagafen Winery in Napa, saw my friend Chris in San Francisco, went camping in Arkansas, ate delicious food in Oklahoma City and Nashville, went to a spin and yoga class here in LA...the list goes on and on.  I have had an amazing journey.  When I get back to Philly, it's back in the saddle and pounding that pavement.  But I definitely needed to step back and smell the roses a bit.

We must do what we want to do with our lives.  I want to travel.  And I mean travel everywhere.  I've seen so much but there is still so much more I want to see.  And there are places I want to go back to.  But you know, this experience has taught me that with patience and planning, anything is possible.  If you want to drive across the country, you can figure it out and you can do it.  I guess that also applies to everything in life as well.

When I'm back in Philly I'm jumping right into rehearsal for an all woman-cast reading of Julius Caesar and I have an audition among some opening nights and such.  I'm also going to start a 30 day green smoothie challenge to again hit that reset button and push myself.  I haven't given my career or my life my all yet.  I'm ready to do that.

Tomorrow I'm shooting a potential commercial for a weed killer with Ed and his friend Jhon.  And then we're gonna see The Walk of Fame and the Chinese Theatre a bit more closely.  And the beach.  We cannot forget the beach.

I'll post choice photos of the trip when I get back into town.

Cheers

-Cindy

Do Not Say "I Know"...

Where do I begin with my 5 day experience with Jean Rene?

Let me start with this: The Primitive Voice.

So The Wilma Theatre asked me to do a 5 day workshop with Jean Rene Toussaint, Blanka Zizka, and Paula Vogel.  That's right.  All those awesome, inspiring people plus more in one room for five days.  Of course I jumped at the opportunity and stripped my schedule of as many conflicts as possible.

Five days.  9-5.  Hardcore voice, physical, and emotional work.  Bring it.

His workshop has transformed me, as a human and actor.  I was given license to immerse my whole being into exercises that opened my imagination and allowed me to "go there" without ever caring about what other people were thinking.  Because everyone else in the room "goes there" too.  I found that by the end of the workshop many of my inhibitions had simply gone away.

By the end of the workshop, I felt like I could do anything.

I fell face first into people's arms from 5 feet in the air.  I explored asymmetry in my body.  I know what it means to release and unlock where I hold tension in my body.  I gazed deeply into the eyes of a friend and lived out stories. I inhaled my boyfriend's spirit and recognized him as one does with a mirror.  I created language and communicated.  I dared myself to rely on the hands and support of others.

This blog post is titled what it is because of a truth that Jean Rene said.  Many people, Americans especially, have a tendency to say "I know" as soon as someone says something true about them.  It is a way of staving off vulnerability and to not actually listen and allow yourself to hear what that person is saying.  He also mentioned we say "interesting" a lot as well, even when we don't find it all that interesting.

I know (see what I did there?) that I definitely do that.  When he would come up to me and tell me something about the way I move or the way that I'm holding back my voice I would initially feel defensive.  But I would take his advice for the next exercise and my work always grew.  I GREW in ways that I never thought I could grow.  I heard sounds coming out of body that, when he gave me the slightest adjustment, would in an instant change and become deeper.  Often I would be touched inside and an unknown emotion would spurt out of me.  It was really incredible to experience.

That's the other aspect of the workshop.  It was simply about experience.  It wasn't about manufacturing sound or movement, it was about allowing it to grow and become organically.  It was about being.  Nothing felt rushed about any of the exercises because he knew what it took.  Did I mention he's been doing this for 30 years?  Yeah he knows what he's doing.

Of course it's impossible for me to completely sum up my whole adventure for you and there are a lot of experiences I had that I don't want to share.  Because they are mine and they are precious to me,  to that room, and to that group of people.  But I would say that even if you aren't a theatre artist, if you have an opportunity, take a workshop and open yourself up to possibility within.  You are more powerful than you ever could have imagined.

Till next time...

-Cindy

Working working working...

WOW I have so any things to share!

I'll get the muck out of the way, grad school 2013 is a no go.  But it's okay.  I've learned so much from that experience that I couldn't have learned otherwise.  Going through it all was essential for the reawakening of my artistry.  And I am a better actor and person for it.  Go me.

This reminds me of when I was in high school and we went to see Thoroughly Modern Millie on Broadway with my theatre class (yes I had a theatre AND theatre II class in high school).  We met the actress who at the time was basically the perpetual understudy for Sutton Foster.  Not only had this woman understudied her in TMM, but also Little Women and....there was another show that was Off-Broadway that of course now I can't recall what it was.  Anyway, we did a workshop with this woman and she said, and I'll never forget it, "You have to be your own cheerleader at times".  So true.  Other people will bring you up and give you great feedback and make you feel great, but it's YOU who carries on.  No one can do that for you.

Since grad school "shopping" as I'll call it, SO many wonderful things have happened in my life.  I've been making money (YAY!) doing a lot of SP work which is great because the hours aren't all that hellish and I can pay my bills and even save a little money.

About a month ago I was in a bad place.  Very pessimistic, I did not like what I was becoming.  So I decided to help myself.  I went on Backstage.com and looked up studios that hold classes, workshops, whatever.  I looked for about two solid hours at different studios, a lot of which piqued my interest.  But there was one, The John DeSotelle studio that was holding a "Biz of the Biz" workshop with a woman named Mari Lyn Henry who wrote the book "How To Be A Working Actor".  The workshop, which was totally affordable, covered simple things like the cover letter, resume organizing, headshots, budgeting, interviews, clothing, etc.  I decided that was the best way to get back into it.  Some refreshing needed to be done.  So I signed up.

Then it was serendipity because I also wound up getting two auditions that weekend as well.  Then with the free time I had I rented a studio at Ripley Grier for two hours and worked on pieces and my Brat Shit Crazy piece (I'll get into that in a minute).  It was a wonderful NYC experience.

So the workshop.  First off let me just say that Mari Lyn Henry is a lovely person.  Her criticisms come from love.  She wants people to succeed.  Never was she nasty, but she was honest.  She holds herself in high regard and I felt that I should begin doing the same.  The workshop also wasn't a "BUY MY BOOK" type of thing, it was her trying to help poor young actors at John's studio find a way.  Oh, but I am buying her book.

Mari Lyn worked at ABC in casting for close to 15 years and she's done casting, image and career counseling for close to 25 years.  So I trusted what she had to say.  While I thought some of her ideas sounded old fashioned, she wouldn't say them unless they were tried and true.  Which they are.  So I stand corrected.

Mari Lyn's Website

I think my favorite part of the workshop was having our outfit critiqued.  While it felt like the 7th circle of hell standing in front of everyone and having them look at me, I am forever grateful to her for waking me up and getting me to realize what my body shape truly is and how I can better dress it.  She believes in simplicity.

We did color testing with colored fabric and I realized what my ideal colors are for dresses and shirts.  What an eye opening experience that was!  I think I've always been a little self conscious about my body so I've always worn black.  Well not anymore, sister!  This girl is wearing colors from here on out!  Pinks, blues, greens, jewel tones.  I can't wait to get myself a new little wardrobe.

Basically, I needed a career and image overhaul and I got one.  I also made new connections with Mari Lyn and also John DeSotelle who is a teacher of Meisner Technique and seemed interested in having me check out his classes.  Now the next step is figuring out how to move forward.

John DeSotelle Studio

The auditions went very well.  I found out I didn't get one of them but something interesting happened when I found out: I didn't cry or feel horrible about myself.  Because I was doing other things to help my career and I was forward thinking, while it sucks to not get a job I didn't feel like I was starting from zero.  It was like an existential experience for me.

I also just finished working on Brat. Shit. Crazy. II at the Trestle Inn.  Basically it's a night of raw, new work and after it's presented the audience gets asked for feedback in between each act.  Tonight was the second night and for some reason I was more nervous than last night.  It may have been because two of my best friends, Sarah Schol and Jeremy Gable were in the audience.  But the performance was really great and I definitely think that now it has a life ahead of it.  I will draw upon some of my greatest inspirations: People and experiences that I love.

Let's see, what else.  Oh!  I've been asked to participate in a workshop at a theatre company here in town (I don't know if I am able to post details about it until afterwards) but it's a vocal workshop with some very important people and I am just thrilled and cannot wait to dive in.  I'm also doing a play workshop out in the 'burbs (again not sure about sharing at this point), but I'll keep you updated.  Possible play reading casting on the horizon as well.

 The gym and I are still friends, Eddy and I are getting ready to go away for a bit in April (cross country!  what WHAT!), and I've been cooking more.  So all wonderful things going on in my life.

I love you all and I'll update soon.

xo

-C

What's In A Name?

Really quick update before I go to work...

So I've been stuck in this no cast zone for a while now, sometimes I find it hard to get a callback.  Recently I've received what feels like a gazillion rejection emails (...really it's been about 6) and it's gotten me thinking...

What qualifies me as a "working actor"?

For the longest time, as long as I can remember since deciding to go for this business, I threw off the idea of classes, readings, auditions for the sake of auditions, coaching, creating my own work, writing, reading...

WHY!?  How dumb can a twenty-something BE!?

Well, I've learned my lesson the hard way.  I'm rusty and not as connected as I'd like to be.  I'm going to change my mantra.  It's about the craft, my art.  It's not about getting cast (though that certainly is a nice feeling when it happens) it's about the work, the creation, the imagination.  So now I ask the question, how do I become the artist that I want to be?

First, I am going to create my own work.  I am presenting a small piece with Brat Shit Crazy II in two weeks and we'll see what happens from there.  I'll be posting more information about that on my website (www.cindyspitko.com)

I think I've been afraid, scared to truly put myself out there.  I had someone tell me once that I was afraid of my own power.  It's time to own my power, put on my thinking cap and dancing shoes, and let's get to work.  I am open and available for new classes, new ideas, and new ways of thinking.

Let's go.

-Cindy

The Calico Life...

Hey there!

So readjusting to not thinking and working on grad school auditions has been more uncomfortable that I thought.  Actually it didn't really ever enter my mind.  But to go from thinking about it and working on it nearly every day to having to push it out of your thoughts completely is challenging.  Though, I've never been good with change...and yet I crave it.

Oh my that sounds melodramatic.  How very "actory" of me to feel that way.  But it's the truth, I really feel a little empty.

One thing that has come out of this whole experience is I feel like I'm a better actor for it.  Especially in terms of my Shakespeare scansion.  The Shakespeare monologues felt like they popped for me in the rooms.  And since then I've auditioned for two Shakespeare productions and I really felt like the language came easier to me.  Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I've been reading and studying Shakespeare since I was in 6th grade.  Something about having to look up words in a dictionary while I read excited me.  It felt like a puzzle.  I even went to Shakespeare camp.  For four years.

But I never really felt like the language clicked with me, not completely.  I always felt like there was something I wasn't locking into.  Working with my boyfriend, Ed Swidey, helped me tremendously, especially the week before the auditions.  We worked a few times and I broke through, which I think afforded me decent auditions this year.

This leads me to tell you an update in general about what's happening.  I've been working a lot as a Standardized Patient, and Ed and I are beginning to figure out where we are going to go on our vacation we are taking in April.  I've had some auditions for upcoming work, and I'm looking forward to some as well.  The gym and I have been friends and I've been cooking a lot more.  I've found that when I want to procrastinate, I cook, whereas before I would have sat around and did nothing.

Life is really wonderful.  Sometimes I get hung up on the rejection side of this business (I suppose we all do?).  But I'm living the life I want to live.  Truly.

So two nights ago I spent about three hours with my Dad and my step-mom because they sing in the Mendelssohn Club of Philadelphia and they had a concert last night in a beautiful cathedral along with The Black Pearl Chamber Orchestra.  It was beautiful and inspiring.  I loved being in there and hearing Beethoven.  I found myself thinking during the concert that Beethoven must have been considered a rock star in his time.  His music was so different and at times unsettling and then it moves into comfort and praise.  He was brilliant and I like to imagine what it must have been like to have been at the the premiere of Symphony No. 9.

The conductor of the orchestra was this stunning woman who came into the room and owned it.  I've never been more inspired by watching a conductor before.  You could hear her sometimes taking a quick inhale in the silence before blasting the hall with loud and boisterous music.  I felt like I was at a rock concert.  I grew up going to see the Philadelphia Orchestra but this was new and fresh.  I loved it.

My parents came in after the intermission with the whole choir...

Mendelssohn Club with the BPCO

Also about a week ago I did a little act for the EgoPo "Phollies" night with my dear friend, Sarah Schol.  We did a "singing sisters" act but we portrayed these washed up, kind of terrible performers.  It was really invigorating to write our own piece and have it be successful.  We sang little bits of songs, danced some Charleston, and got off stage.  In my opinion, it was a glorious, odd, and wondrous night of entertainment.  There was even a strong man act.  And a ukelele.  And opera.  And a one man band.

Sarah and Cindy the Singing Sisters!

It's going to be a lot more wait-and-see for me in the next few weeks.  But I'll keep you updated.

Love to all.

-Cindy