Last night we had a gathering of friends and Reuben's family to celebrate his life and be with one another on the night before the anniversary of his death.
1 year. I cannot believe it's been 1 year.
It was an open forum for people to get up and try songs, jokes, whatever inspired them. Ed and I decided to do a medley of Grandma's Hands into No Diggity. I like to think that Reuben would have appreciated the mash-up. He and I shared a strong love and connection to hip-hop music. His brother told me that he could see Reuben up there with us. I firmly believe that Reuben was there with all of us.
Sometimes I wonder if his soul is in mourning. I wonder if perhaps his soul is angered by what happened. I'm still angry. Not at him, at the circumstance. I think it must have been a mistake. That it was supposed to be someone else and he accidentally got in the way. And it wound up being him. I wonder that sometimes.
It felt good to see his family, see everyone and hold each other, eat delicious food and commiserate. Though at these types of things I never know what to say to anyone. I stayed close to the corners of the room and I didn't really seek out conversation too much. I drank a few glasses of wine and said my good-bye's earlier than I normally do. I'm the type that likes to wait around and see what other people are doing. I don't want to miss anything. But I knew the right thing to do was go home, have some white wine, talk to my boyfriend, cry, and go to sleep.
So there is a part of me that wants so badly to keep his spirit alive. Last February I did a very short piece inspired by him. Now that I'm a bit more out of the haze I'm ready to tackle that feat again. I'm interviewing people for a project temporarily titled "The Grief Venture" and I'm producing it for the 2014 SoLow Festival. It won't be longer than 30 minutes, but this is an opportunity to produce my own work, write my own work, and be inspired and uplifted by those around me. And if other people aren't interested in hiring me why not hire myself? I'm just as good as they are.
That's my tribute. A work in progress that I will take on and delve so deeply into that I cannot see what's on the other side. I want to be steeped and terrified in this work. I need to face it and I want the whole world to see it. This is life, this is real, and it's hard. But Reuben taught me one thing. Follow your dreams. You are worthy. Follow your dreams.
This year, since Reuben died, I've taken more risks than I ever have in my life. My life in many ways is coming together. I've signed up for seminars and classes, I applied to grad school, we drove across the country, I submit to every audition I possibly can, I made a voice over demo, I made a singing demo, I'm in much better shape than I was a year ago, I eat better, I cook more, I sleep more, I don't drink as much, I take care of myself, I'm more on top of my work, I make bigger choices in auditions. That's just this year, what will happen if I keep this up even more so this next year?
What's after SoLow Festival is up in the air. One step at a time. But I want this piece to be so good that it's impactful, and recognized. Just like Reuben.
I learned last night that I actually still don't believe he's gone. I had a fantasy in the middle of everything that he walked into the Christ Church Neighborhood House and we all held him. I just cannot accept that we won't be seeing him here on earth anymore. I don't know what will allow me to have closure, but maybe having this project will give me comfort.
There is a quote from Stephen King from The Stand: "No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. You just...come out the other side"
I'm still in the blue section, but with everyone that is around me and supporting me, I'm not so lonely anymore. And maybe I can work on being not so blue anymore.
Until next time
-Cindy
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