Asking people for money is...weird...and other tales from a contemplative snow day

Today, work was cancelled.  So I wrote a to do list and I'm trying to crack away at it.  Some of it I like doing, most of it I don't.  Today, I overhauled my website to make it simpler and cleaner, smaller and more streamlined and "user friendly" (www.cindyspitko.com).  So there's that.  I've also reached out to specific groups of people in my life and said HEY!  I'M DOING THIS FUNDRAISER PLLEEEAASSEE HELP!

Oh yeah so I'm doing this fundraiser thing.......

Okay so I have some money that needs to be raised...rather, funds that should be collected...that is...ugh this is not my forté.

"I don't make a lot of money and someday I'd like to.  Click here to donate"

That's what I should put on my fundanything.com website instead of the long paragraphs about my training and a complete breakdown of where my money is going.  Yeah.  That'll work...right?

I don't know what will work, but understand when I tell you that I was terrified to launch a fundraiser for a bit of monetary help with my voice over career.  After I launched it and sent it haphazardly to about 80 people in my contacts list, I went to work at Starbucks and barked at my friend.  He called me out on it.  And then I felt bad.

I've donated money to a lot of friends' fundraisers, I've gone to many fundraisers.  I never realized how unabashedly stressful they are.  I was so afraid that people would be just angry at me for simply asking and I found myself reiterating you know you can donate as low as $1!!!.

I had to convince myself that I was worthy of this fundraiser, that my project is a business and is just as worthy as my friends' fundraisers and projects.  I'm not a bad person for setting up a fund raiser and I'm not a bad person if I don't meet the goal.  I'm just a human looking for a little financial help, I'm a businesswoman starting a business, I'm a career-oriented actor.  And I've budgeted and I did, in fact, lay out all the ways in which the money would be spent.

There's less than 45 days left and that's a lot of time to really reach out to people and say hey, I need your help, we knew each other once, how about a few bucks?

Here's the link...

https://fundanything.com/en/campaigns/home-voice-over-studio-beginning-vo-career?col=-36418
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Also...Philip Seymour Hoffman.

I'm...not devastated, not bereft.  I didn't know him though I do know people who knew him.  I'm sad.  I'm sad, for the first time ever, really, about a celebrity death.  Heath Ledger was tragic as well but I didn't feel like I knew him.  I didn't know Philip Seymour Hoffman but I felt closer to him.

He was in NYC, a city I frequent.  He was at his peak in terms of doing theatre and film work when I was a teenager and I was really REALLY into it.  I saw every movie he was in at that time.  I waited backstage for him at "Long Days...."and instead met Brian Dennehy (who was LOVELY) and I asked him about PSH and he said he snuck out another door.  There's a little known gem written and directed by Mamet called "State and Main" that I watched over and over and over again just so I could see him and Rebecca Pidgeon fall in love.  The strangest yet most honest relationship I've seen in a movie.  Normal people, falling in extraordinarily normal love.  And it made me melt.

I guess his death is surprising in that I really didn't know much about his drug problem.  I knew he had struggled with it when he was younger but I didn't know to what extent.  I didn't want to hear about the bathroom and all that because he seemed above that.  I don't want to remember him in that image.  And I'll try my best not to.

There isn't much more I can say other than, be kind to one another.  Celebrate one another, cherish the opportunities around you, and try to think positively.

Good bye, Philip Seymour Hoffman.  A triumph of an actor.  I'll miss him so so much.

...Oh...HERE'S Our White Christmas...

Happy Snow Day!

It is indeed snowing COPIOUS amounts in Philadelphia.  Our mayor declared it a snow emergency.  All my jobs were cancelled the rest of today and tomorrow as well.  So I have a lot of time to do the things I didn't believe I had time for.

I'm in the midst of transcribing audio-recordings for a theatre in Trenton.  I've done this sort of thing before, transcribing hours and hours of dialogue that may be used in an upcoming production....which is super cool.  I've learned so much about, just, people and the way they live.  

The other company I transcribed for interviewed elderly people that were in an acting troupe together.  The interviews were mainly about their memories and I must admit I found myself seeing their stories in my head while they talked.   Some of them painted pictures with their words.  They spoke romantically of the first time they met their husbands.  One woman talked about how she basically forced her way into going to UPenn for her Masters and Ph.D., it was empowering.  A man, a previous dog owner, talked about how he almost shoved a homeless guy in front of a moving bus in Manhattan, on purpose.  The homeless man walked away with the dog while it was tied up in front of a pharmacy while the man was inside.  When the man walked out and saw that his dog was missing he snapped.  And then...he almost pushed a homeless guy in front of a moving bus in Manhattan....on purpose.  

This round of transcriptions is about very different things, but still about life experiences.  I'll talk more on that later.

Also today I researched how to set up a quick and affordable home recording studio.  I have a mic that isn't the best quality but it's what I have for now and I need to find a way that I can set up the mic really quickly and go.  Tomorrow will be the day...that I conquer the mini home studio.  Or at least I'll get partially there...you know, because of the snow and all...  

Because my work was cancelled I'll have time to work on my construction project and the transcriptions.  Crossing my fingers that I can get to Bikram tomorrow (LOVING IT, by the way).  And just getting rest and taking care of myself.  Looking forward to a super recharge tomorrow.  More good news is on the way........

Alrighty, it's time to make some dinner and then transcribe!

Love and peace, 

-Cindy

New Year, New Me?

Greetings all!

I'm in Starbucks right now, with the scent of mocha wafting through the air.  The floor-to-ceiling windows fogged from the humidity of the air.  The rain gently misting over the city.  It's peaceful.  After working at this Starbucks for a month I can officially say that this Starbucks in particular breathes through the day.  There's a constant flow of people but the flow of people varies, lines form and then they order and drift away.  It's like being inside an organ, a beating heart almost.

Well it's 2014.  I can say that I'm happy the holiday season is over, even though I was looking forward to it all month and then it came and went so quickly I barely had time to acknowledge that it was in fact Christmas time in the first place.  The holidays are over, I ate all the turkey stuffing, Santa's back taking a nap, and I am preparing for 2014.

Preparing you may ask?  Almost like I'm nesting.  Like 2014 is my baby and I'm creating a happy home for it to be birthed into.  2014 is my year.  To re-imagine my career, to reach those tough life goals that I was too chicken-poop to do in my early twenties.

First of all, tomorrow is a big, important day for me.  I am going to NYC and recording my demo with Peter Rofe.  I am THRILLED.  Beyond...anything emotion I can quantify.  I am looking forward to working on my craft all day tomorrow.  Really digging deep and finding my voice even more so.  You never stop learning.  I always have to remind myself of that.

Secondly, I'm proud to announce that I am in a show with EgoPo in May called GINT.  Based on Henrik Ibsen's Peer Gynt.  I am playing The Woman.  Any other actors have "woman" or "girl" or "performer" listed a bunch of times on your resume?  I certainly do.  That aside I'm working with a fantastic cast and director.  Again, I can't wait to dig deep.

I had to take a break from going to NYC for classes for a bit because of paying for Peter's class and how busy my schedule was.  But now that I'm in the clear I can start going back up there and spending more time getting back into meeting people and getting feedback.  It's hard to have your finger on the pulse all the time.  You get caught up in one thing and then you lose track of the various other things.  It ebbs and flows.  Like a beating heart.  Or, if you will, a Starbucks.

I'm happy, I'm starting bikram yoga which is terrifying and rewarding at the same time.  I'm on an unlimited first month so I can try it out and see how I like it.  So far I'm liking it a lot.  I think mixing it up with my weight lifting and walking I could really get healthy.  Which is all that I really want to do.  I just want to be healthy.  The holidays wore me out, so again, it's part of the nesting process.  My 2014 baby.

I must finish up some work before heading to yoga in a bit.  You never stop learning and you never stop achieving.

In love and creativity,

-Cindy

Lovely Memories and Connections: A Precursor to The Grief Venture

As I was sitting here putting together my to-do list for tomorrow a random memory popped into my head.

This summer there was a girl in my summer camp and her name is Jenna.  Jenna is a tiny little thing, but definitely older than she looks...and tougher.  She always came in bursting with ideas and excitement.  Sometimes I had to say no, other times I had to shush her.  But I always listened and tried my best to really weigh in on her thoughts.  She was charismatic and charming.  Happy and bright.  And we definitely connected.

She was in my play group and she fervently played a crocodile with style and grace.  She totally got what I was "going for".

One day I looked up and noticed she was standing away and to the side.  She was really upset for some reason and I had to take her away from the group and chat with her.  I knelt down and it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit what was happening with her.  She finally admitted that she was afraid that one of the other girls in the crocodile group was angry with her.  She said that she accidentally spilled water on her and the other girl got upset.

"Well it was an accident, and I'm sure she'll understand"

"But what if she doesn't?" She said through heaving tears.  "What if it's like what happened with my friend at school?"

"What happened with your friend at school?"

She tells me this saga of how she accidentally spilled her water on this friend from school and the girl still didn't talk to Jenna.  And Jenna was clearly deeply hurt.

"Jenna, let me tell you something.  It sounds to me that that's the type of person who is angry because she wants to hold some type of power over you."

"What do you mean?"

So here's where I had to go deep with her.  I told her about the type of people who will make her feel terrible about herself just to make themselves feel better.  That there are people who will put her down to feel like they have some type of control over their own lives.  She seemed to follow.  It's a difficult subject to understand.  I'm still figuring it out.  And I told her that.

"Jenna this is something that I'm still learning and I'm an adult.  There are some people that when you meet them you think they are one way and then you get to know them a bit and they turn out to not be who you thought they were.  And those are the types of people you don't want to surround yourself with.  You know, you can choose who your friends are."

She kept crying, sniffling and nodding.

"You can choose who you want to be in your life.  It doesn't sound like she's the type of person you want in your life.  Does she?"

She shook her head.  Really considering it.

"But you know what, you're the type of person I want in my life."

She seemed to understand that.

"Do you want to be in my life?"

"Yes" she replied, with the beginnings of a smirk on her face.

"Now, as for Allie (the girl at camp that she just so happened to spill water on), she's a pretty cool girl.  She's pretty laid back and I bet if you mention the water spilling on her she won't even remember what you're talking about."

We hugged and went back with our group.  Later she told me Allie said that she didn't mind the water after a bit because it cooled her off.

"See?"  I said to Jenna.  "That's the type of person you want to be friends with."

The rest of camp went by and the last day came, which is always accompanied with a torrent of emotions.  40 pre-teen theatre kids saying goodbye to each other.  An empath's worst nightmare.  I said my goodbyes.  I gave my hugs.

And then there was Jenna.  Who I knew was going to swim at her grandmother's house later that day.  I gave her a big hug.  She started to cry.  I tried to make light of it but it really got me.  Jenna was my buddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until next summer.  I said "But you can't be sad!  You're going swimming at your grandmother's house later!".  She nodded with her head still resting on me while her arms gripped me like a vice.

She let go and went down the stairs and walked halfway to the car.  Then she turned and wailed "WAIT!" and ran back and held me even tighter.  That's when I lost it.  We just held each other and cried.  This was the cool little girl who actually taught me about the world.  And now we were saying good bye without the comfort of a definite time we would see each other again.  It was wide open and I know I'll see her again...but I don't know when.  And she knew that too.

Being an actor isn't just about playing well rounded characters and being honest on stage, it's about being a human being in life.  Experiencing life in new ways.  And opening yourself to new life lessons.  Meeting Jenna has helped me enter the world in an entirely different way.  Having her influence in my life has at times helped me to remain buoyant in low times.  When I get down about...whatever.  Having her in my memory helps me feel like you know what, I have people out there.

This life sometimes goes by life a flash and other times goes by like molasses.  Connections are what get me through.

Jenna reminds me that I will be okay.

Onwards.

-C

'Tis the Season...

Really quick post just to check in with everyone on what's happening...

First things first, I'm back at Dickens' Village again for my second season there and there's a whole new slew of people there this year.  I always really enjoy it, kids like to take pictures with me, I get to surprise them with Santa, they all wish me a Merry Christmas.  It's a joyful place to be and I gotta say I like the job.  I especially like the hammer dulcimer music they have playing in the background.  It makes me want to go to a warm Christmas party with a fire place and dancing.  

I also got a job at Starbucks as a barista!  I haven't been in the corporate world for a while so going through formal training with such a big company will take some readjustment for me, but just today I signed the forms and I'm starting next week!  I'm really looking forward to it, make some more money, and they have crazy good benefits if you stay on for a bit.  So I'm excited at the prospect of using those once I'm allowed to.  It's kind of nice.  Like a bit of a safety net for after Christmas so I can figure out how else to make money.

Like I said in my last post, my plan is to work, work, work and save like crazy so that in the new year I can record a voice over demo in NYC and start really pounding the pavement with that.  I'm also going to become a premium member on Voice123.com so I can submit myself for auditions every day.  I think it's a good place to get some experience under my belt and earn some extra money.  A lot of people on the website make a fair amount of money.  So my December is basically work with Christmas somewhere in there.  So if I disappear for a while, that's where I'll be.  Working.  Working my batootie off.

I've also noticed that some bad habits that I've had before are starting to fade away.  For example I used to eat out a lot, grab a coffee here, some lunch there and before I knew it my money would be depleted.  I've been so much better about having more food options and planning ahead.  

While today I haven't been feeling very well (I think it has to do with little kiddos in Santaland...), overall I feel happier than I have in a while.  I feel proud and I really want to take care of myself and my future.  I'm getting back into a more regular smoothie regiment, I'm exercising on a schedule and keeping a log of it in my phone, and I'm trying to do things that I like to do, like cook or watch a good TV show or read a book or play.  I'm trying to get more sleep, though I am a night owl.  I'm working on getting up and outside.  I deleted my Facebook app on my phone because I was just on it too much and sometimes it depresses me.  I find that it makes me compare myself to other too much instead of being happy for what I have.  So I'm trying to make changes.  Good changes.  Slowly but surely.

My interviews for my SoLow 2014 project are well under way.  Because of scheduling I'm having to rearrange things but people are compliant and understanding.  It's already been quite a journey and I have so far to go.  More on that in a later post.  I think this project will help me understand the world.

Ed's mom gave me a recipe for ham and veggies with mustard so I think I'm gonna try it.  Off I go!

Until next time.

-Cindy

A Life Boat...

Something incredible happened to me yesterday.  For the first time in my life, opportunities were clearly and concisely laid out for me.  Let me explain.

I went to an intensive voice over class in NYC with PDR Voice Coaching.  Peter Rofé, who is the top voice over coach in New York, is an excellent teacher.  With 30 years of experience behind him I learned about etiquette, how to better my read, make strong choices and then make those choices stronger.  He coached me through 3 different types of reads and I also got to see other people in the class work.  

People in the class were from all over the place.  Three guys with low gravelly voices, a woman from London, a man from Ireland, a young musical theatre actor who loves to do voices, a man of Chinese decent born and raised in Italy, an insurance lawyer, a man from Romania, a set designer, a sales man.

What impressed me was that everyone in the class was actually really good.  Peter did assessments with people before accepting them into the class, so the day was productive and safe for us to make mistakes.  He also was brilliant at picking copy for us.  I mean dead on.

Also what impressed me about Peter is that he doesn't blab about his achievements in a condescending fashion.  Rather, he talks about his successes and failures, and encourages his students to realize that they can do it too.  He said "If it wasn't hard then everyone would do it", but Peter presented us with the tools to actually do it.  He has a group of clients that work.  Really work.  He works, his employees work, they have a state-of-the-art facility, and if you save up the money and invest in your career, then my God you can do it too.  And that money is made back ten-fold.  It's a business investment, the same as any other.

He didn't seem interested in tooting his own horn.  The work totally spoke for itself.  His coaching spoke for itself.  He didn't need to tell me he was the best.  I just knew it from the caliber of work and dedication he put in.  His studio manager, Rick, and his sound engineer, Matt, were also there the whole time and giving advice and helping throughout the day.  Three really dedicated individuals.

Holy crap.  I can do it too.  I can actually do this.  I feel like, for the first time in years, I'm not swimming in a vast ocean.  It's like a life boat came by and saved me.  Guys I'm like kind of good at voice over work.  I take direction well, I read well, I make choices.  Peter encouraged me to make mistakes, and also recognize that while I have the chops and training, I also have more work to do.  It was exhilarating, scary, motivating.  It was a life changing day for me.  My life and career will never be the same.  

I can actually do this with my life.

2014.  It's my year.  I'm saving money, I'm working my ass off, I'm picking up shifts, I'm making a commercial demo with Peter Rofé, and I'm going to be a voice over talent.  And I may just break a glass ceiling or two.

-Cindy

Highs and Lows..

I just worked out and I feel amazing!

I met an agent last night who was "meh" towards me and I felt like crap.

I had a really great callback yesterday afternoon and I felt amazing!

I had to turn down a voice over job because I just so happened to not be in Philly and I felt like crap.

People, that's all within 24 hours.  24 HOURS.  There's a fine line to walk in this business and I haven't found it yet.  Be emotionally available in the room but face rejection constantly out of the room.  Be outgoing but don't be too outgoing.  Be mysterious so they'll want more but don't close you're self off too much. W.T.F.

It's mad aggravating, yo!  This cliff edge that gets walked on that, honestly, I don't know if anyone ever nails totally.  What I find most frustrating is the fact that it's a business of opinions.  Someone could LOVE my headshot but then the next person I meet could totally hate it and be confused by it.  But I'm working on it.  It's a work in progress and the more people I meet the more I realize that I'm getting there.

I'm getting there.  At least I'm somewhere.

One thing that I am appreciating about going in for more people is recognizing that most people just want to see a journey.  Most people seem thoroughly happy about the fact that I come in and I present them with a simple story and journey within the monologue.  I have that going for me.  At least I have that.

I don't know if I will ever be a perfect package.  I'm messy.  But what I can do better is go in more prepped and more ready than I ever have before.  I can change my life.  I have that power.

Cooking lunch/dinner then off to meet an associate casting director for Roundabout!  Tomorrow is a day of relaxation, reading, tuning in with myself, and revamping decisions.  Then Saturday is an ALL DAY VOICE OVER CLASS with the one and only Peter Rofe.  I am doing it, y'all.  I just want to meet some people and guess what?  I'm doing just that.

Off I go.

-Cindy