Lovely Memories and Connections: A Precursor to The Grief Venture

As I was sitting here putting together my to-do list for tomorrow a random memory popped into my head.

This summer there was a girl in my summer camp and her name is Jenna.  Jenna is a tiny little thing, but definitely older than she looks...and tougher.  She always came in bursting with ideas and excitement.  Sometimes I had to say no, other times I had to shush her.  But I always listened and tried my best to really weigh in on her thoughts.  She was charismatic and charming.  Happy and bright.  And we definitely connected.

She was in my play group and she fervently played a crocodile with style and grace.  She totally got what I was "going for".

One day I looked up and noticed she was standing away and to the side.  She was really upset for some reason and I had to take her away from the group and chat with her.  I knelt down and it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit what was happening with her.  She finally admitted that she was afraid that one of the other girls in the crocodile group was angry with her.  She said that she accidentally spilled water on her and the other girl got upset.

"Well it was an accident, and I'm sure she'll understand"

"But what if she doesn't?" She said through heaving tears.  "What if it's like what happened with my friend at school?"

"What happened with your friend at school?"

She tells me this saga of how she accidentally spilled her water on this friend from school and the girl still didn't talk to Jenna.  And Jenna was clearly deeply hurt.

"Jenna, let me tell you something.  It sounds to me that that's the type of person who is angry because she wants to hold some type of power over you."

"What do you mean?"

So here's where I had to go deep with her.  I told her about the type of people who will make her feel terrible about herself just to make themselves feel better.  That there are people who will put her down to feel like they have some type of control over their own lives.  She seemed to follow.  It's a difficult subject to understand.  I'm still figuring it out.  And I told her that.

"Jenna this is something that I'm still learning and I'm an adult.  There are some people that when you meet them you think they are one way and then you get to know them a bit and they turn out to not be who you thought they were.  And those are the types of people you don't want to surround yourself with.  You know, you can choose who your friends are."

She kept crying, sniffling and nodding.

"You can choose who you want to be in your life.  It doesn't sound like she's the type of person you want in your life.  Does she?"

She shook her head.  Really considering it.

"But you know what, you're the type of person I want in my life."

She seemed to understand that.

"Do you want to be in my life?"

"Yes" she replied, with the beginnings of a smirk on her face.

"Now, as for Allie (the girl at camp that she just so happened to spill water on), she's a pretty cool girl.  She's pretty laid back and I bet if you mention the water spilling on her she won't even remember what you're talking about."

We hugged and went back with our group.  Later she told me Allie said that she didn't mind the water after a bit because it cooled her off.

"See?"  I said to Jenna.  "That's the type of person you want to be friends with."

The rest of camp went by and the last day came, which is always accompanied with a torrent of emotions.  40 pre-teen theatre kids saying goodbye to each other.  An empath's worst nightmare.  I said my goodbyes.  I gave my hugs.

And then there was Jenna.  Who I knew was going to swim at her grandmother's house later that day.  I gave her a big hug.  She started to cry.  I tried to make light of it but it really got me.  Jenna was my buddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until next summer.  I said "But you can't be sad!  You're going swimming at your grandmother's house later!".  She nodded with her head still resting on me while her arms gripped me like a vice.

She let go and went down the stairs and walked halfway to the car.  Then she turned and wailed "WAIT!" and ran back and held me even tighter.  That's when I lost it.  We just held each other and cried.  This was the cool little girl who actually taught me about the world.  And now we were saying good bye without the comfort of a definite time we would see each other again.  It was wide open and I know I'll see her again...but I don't know when.  And she knew that too.

Being an actor isn't just about playing well rounded characters and being honest on stage, it's about being a human being in life.  Experiencing life in new ways.  And opening yourself to new life lessons.  Meeting Jenna has helped me enter the world in an entirely different way.  Having her influence in my life has at times helped me to remain buoyant in low times.  When I get down about...whatever.  Having her in my memory helps me feel like you know what, I have people out there.

This life sometimes goes by life a flash and other times goes by like molasses.  Connections are what get me through.

Jenna reminds me that I will be okay.

Onwards.

-C

'Tis the Season...

Really quick post just to check in with everyone on what's happening...

First things first, I'm back at Dickens' Village again for my second season there and there's a whole new slew of people there this year.  I always really enjoy it, kids like to take pictures with me, I get to surprise them with Santa, they all wish me a Merry Christmas.  It's a joyful place to be and I gotta say I like the job.  I especially like the hammer dulcimer music they have playing in the background.  It makes me want to go to a warm Christmas party with a fire place and dancing.  

I also got a job at Starbucks as a barista!  I haven't been in the corporate world for a while so going through formal training with such a big company will take some readjustment for me, but just today I signed the forms and I'm starting next week!  I'm really looking forward to it, make some more money, and they have crazy good benefits if you stay on for a bit.  So I'm excited at the prospect of using those once I'm allowed to.  It's kind of nice.  Like a bit of a safety net for after Christmas so I can figure out how else to make money.

Like I said in my last post, my plan is to work, work, work and save like crazy so that in the new year I can record a voice over demo in NYC and start really pounding the pavement with that.  I'm also going to become a premium member on Voice123.com so I can submit myself for auditions every day.  I think it's a good place to get some experience under my belt and earn some extra money.  A lot of people on the website make a fair amount of money.  So my December is basically work with Christmas somewhere in there.  So if I disappear for a while, that's where I'll be.  Working.  Working my batootie off.

I've also noticed that some bad habits that I've had before are starting to fade away.  For example I used to eat out a lot, grab a coffee here, some lunch there and before I knew it my money would be depleted.  I've been so much better about having more food options and planning ahead.  

While today I haven't been feeling very well (I think it has to do with little kiddos in Santaland...), overall I feel happier than I have in a while.  I feel proud and I really want to take care of myself and my future.  I'm getting back into a more regular smoothie regiment, I'm exercising on a schedule and keeping a log of it in my phone, and I'm trying to do things that I like to do, like cook or watch a good TV show or read a book or play.  I'm trying to get more sleep, though I am a night owl.  I'm working on getting up and outside.  I deleted my Facebook app on my phone because I was just on it too much and sometimes it depresses me.  I find that it makes me compare myself to other too much instead of being happy for what I have.  So I'm trying to make changes.  Good changes.  Slowly but surely.

My interviews for my SoLow 2014 project are well under way.  Because of scheduling I'm having to rearrange things but people are compliant and understanding.  It's already been quite a journey and I have so far to go.  More on that in a later post.  I think this project will help me understand the world.

Ed's mom gave me a recipe for ham and veggies with mustard so I think I'm gonna try it.  Off I go!

Until next time.

-Cindy

A Life Boat...

Something incredible happened to me yesterday.  For the first time in my life, opportunities were clearly and concisely laid out for me.  Let me explain.

I went to an intensive voice over class in NYC with PDR Voice Coaching.  Peter Rofé, who is the top voice over coach in New York, is an excellent teacher.  With 30 years of experience behind him I learned about etiquette, how to better my read, make strong choices and then make those choices stronger.  He coached me through 3 different types of reads and I also got to see other people in the class work.  

People in the class were from all over the place.  Three guys with low gravelly voices, a woman from London, a man from Ireland, a young musical theatre actor who loves to do voices, a man of Chinese decent born and raised in Italy, an insurance lawyer, a man from Romania, a set designer, a sales man.

What impressed me was that everyone in the class was actually really good.  Peter did assessments with people before accepting them into the class, so the day was productive and safe for us to make mistakes.  He also was brilliant at picking copy for us.  I mean dead on.

Also what impressed me about Peter is that he doesn't blab about his achievements in a condescending fashion.  Rather, he talks about his successes and failures, and encourages his students to realize that they can do it too.  He said "If it wasn't hard then everyone would do it", but Peter presented us with the tools to actually do it.  He has a group of clients that work.  Really work.  He works, his employees work, they have a state-of-the-art facility, and if you save up the money and invest in your career, then my God you can do it too.  And that money is made back ten-fold.  It's a business investment, the same as any other.

He didn't seem interested in tooting his own horn.  The work totally spoke for itself.  His coaching spoke for itself.  He didn't need to tell me he was the best.  I just knew it from the caliber of work and dedication he put in.  His studio manager, Rick, and his sound engineer, Matt, were also there the whole time and giving advice and helping throughout the day.  Three really dedicated individuals.

Holy crap.  I can do it too.  I can actually do this.  I feel like, for the first time in years, I'm not swimming in a vast ocean.  It's like a life boat came by and saved me.  Guys I'm like kind of good at voice over work.  I take direction well, I read well, I make choices.  Peter encouraged me to make mistakes, and also recognize that while I have the chops and training, I also have more work to do.  It was exhilarating, scary, motivating.  It was a life changing day for me.  My life and career will never be the same.  

I can actually do this with my life.

2014.  It's my year.  I'm saving money, I'm working my ass off, I'm picking up shifts, I'm making a commercial demo with Peter Rofé, and I'm going to be a voice over talent.  And I may just break a glass ceiling or two.

-Cindy

Highs and Lows..

I just worked out and I feel amazing!

I met an agent last night who was "meh" towards me and I felt like crap.

I had a really great callback yesterday afternoon and I felt amazing!

I had to turn down a voice over job because I just so happened to not be in Philly and I felt like crap.

People, that's all within 24 hours.  24 HOURS.  There's a fine line to walk in this business and I haven't found it yet.  Be emotionally available in the room but face rejection constantly out of the room.  Be outgoing but don't be too outgoing.  Be mysterious so they'll want more but don't close you're self off too much. W.T.F.

It's mad aggravating, yo!  This cliff edge that gets walked on that, honestly, I don't know if anyone ever nails totally.  What I find most frustrating is the fact that it's a business of opinions.  Someone could LOVE my headshot but then the next person I meet could totally hate it and be confused by it.  But I'm working on it.  It's a work in progress and the more people I meet the more I realize that I'm getting there.

I'm getting there.  At least I'm somewhere.

One thing that I am appreciating about going in for more people is recognizing that most people just want to see a journey.  Most people seem thoroughly happy about the fact that I come in and I present them with a simple story and journey within the monologue.  I have that going for me.  At least I have that.

I don't know if I will ever be a perfect package.  I'm messy.  But what I can do better is go in more prepped and more ready than I ever have before.  I can change my life.  I have that power.

Cooking lunch/dinner then off to meet an associate casting director for Roundabout!  Tomorrow is a day of relaxation, reading, tuning in with myself, and revamping decisions.  Then Saturday is an ALL DAY VOICE OVER CLASS with the one and only Peter Rofe.  I am doing it, y'all.  I just want to meet some people and guess what?  I'm doing just that.

Off I go.

-Cindy

A Tribute To Reubs...

Last night we had a gathering of friends and Reuben's family to celebrate his life and be with one another on the night before the anniversary of his death.

1 year.  I cannot believe it's been 1 year.

It was an open forum for people to get up and try songs, jokes, whatever inspired them.  Ed and I decided to do a medley of Grandma's Hands into No Diggity.  I like to think that Reuben would have appreciated the mash-up.  He and I shared a strong love and connection to hip-hop music.  His brother told me that he could see Reuben up there with us.  I firmly believe that Reuben was there with all of us.

Sometimes I wonder if his soul is in mourning.  I wonder if perhaps his soul is angered by what happened.  I'm still angry.  Not at him, at the circumstance.  I think it must have been a mistake.  That it was supposed to be someone else and he accidentally got in the way.  And it wound up being him.  I wonder that sometimes.

It felt good to see his family, see everyone and hold each other, eat delicious food and commiserate.  Though at these types of things I never know what to say to anyone.  I stayed close to the corners of the room and I didn't really seek out conversation too much.  I drank a few glasses of wine and said my good-bye's earlier than I normally do.  I'm the type that likes to wait around and see what other people are doing.  I don't want to miss anything.  But I knew the right thing to do was go home, have some white wine, talk to my boyfriend, cry, and go to sleep.

So there is a part of me that wants so badly to keep his spirit alive.  Last February I did a very short piece inspired by him.  Now that I'm a bit more out of the haze I'm ready to tackle that feat again.  I'm interviewing people for a project temporarily titled "The Grief Venture" and I'm producing it for the 2014 SoLow Festival.  It won't be longer than 30 minutes, but this is an opportunity to produce my own work, write my own work, and be inspired and uplifted by those around me.  And if other people aren't interested in hiring me why not hire myself?  I'm just as good as they are.

That's my tribute.  A work in progress that I will take on and delve so deeply into that I cannot see what's on the other side.  I want to be steeped and terrified in this work.  I need to face it and I want the whole world to see it.  This is life, this is real, and it's hard.  But Reuben taught me one thing.  Follow your dreams.  You are worthy.  Follow your dreams.

This year, since Reuben died, I've taken more risks than I ever have in my life.  My life in many ways is coming together.  I've signed up for seminars and classes, I applied to grad school, we drove across the country, I submit to every audition I possibly can, I made a voice over demo, I made a singing demo, I'm in much better shape than I was a year ago, I eat better, I cook more, I sleep more, I don't drink as much, I take care of myself, I'm more on top of my work, I make bigger choices in auditions.  That's just this year, what will happen if I keep this up even more so this next year?

What's after SoLow Festival is up in the air.  One step at a time.  But I want this piece to be so good that it's impactful, and recognized.  Just like Reuben.

I learned last night that I actually still don't believe he's gone.  I had a fantasy in the middle of everything that he walked into the Christ Church Neighborhood House and we all held him.  I just cannot accept that we won't be seeing him here on earth anymore.  I don't know what will allow me to have closure, but maybe having this project will give me comfort.

There is a quote from Stephen King from The Stand: "No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell.  You just...come out the other side"

I'm still in the blue section, but with everyone that is around me and supporting me, I'm not so lonely anymore.  And maybe I can work on being not so blue anymore.

Until next time

-Cindy

I Signed Up For A Class And Now I'm Broke: Tales from NYC

Hello all!

Right now I'm in New York City relaxing at my friend Chrissy's house until my meet-up with an agent tonight at Ripley-Grier.  Yesterday I met with Peter Rofe of PDR Voice Coaching in New York.  We met because I wanted to get assessed for his class that he's having in a few weeks.  It's an all day class.  10am-6pm.  So the price was up there but actually incredibly reasonable for the location, the teaching, and the length of the class.

First of all: HE ACCEPTED ME!  Secondly....

That means I'm broke. 

Until Friday when I get paid.  But yeah I mean broke.  Haven't-been-this-broke-since-college broke.  Thank-God-I-bought-my-bus-ticket-before-I-came-here broke.  Didn't-eat-more-than-a-bagel-and-granola broke.  BROKE.

A thought: How do we fund these lives of ours?  I always want to take classes, but the prices, while they are usually reasonable, are still out of my reach.  So what gives?

Maybe I'm not working hard enough.  Perhaps if I had more survival jobs.  What I do know is this: I need to get better at managing my money.

Yesterday was a wake-up call that I needed.  When I talked to Peter about this life he said that to get started in this business takes money.  It's true.  It's true that it takes money to make money.  But you invest in your career.  It's like starting a restaurant or opening a shop.  You invest.  And hopefully you'll get that money back ten-fold.  That's what I'm hoping for.  Not hoping.  That's what I'm going for.  That's what I'm going to do.

I am humbled.  I applied for a part-time job at Starbucks.  We are amping up our eBay store.  I re-applied for my Macy's Villager job (which I LOVED last year).  I am still doing SP work and baby sitting.  Clearly, however, I need more money to fund my life and dreams.  Thank GOD I met with Peter yesterday.  I truly felt that I was in the right place at the right time.

Today I sat down and wrote out a budget for shared expenses and personal expenses.  I have minor debt to pay off and I'm gonna do it goddammit.  I am going to get myself out of this rut.  Just like Irina said I WANT TO WORK. (Was it Irina?  Or Masha or Olga?  I can't remember).

So November will be my month to figure this all out.  And I will figure this out.  One day at a time.

-Cindy

p.s.: Anyone looking for help? (:

Constantly Looking For The Next Thing...

So much news!

First of all, my show Luckiest Kid with White Pines was a wonderful success.  We close today at 2pm (which is why I'm trying to squeeze writing this in before doing yoga and heading to the theatre).  At first the audiences were tiny.  I honestly haven't performed for such small houses since college.  But it was humbling and I believe that everyone who came to see it got a great performance.  There were times I was bummed out that there weren't a lot of people there, but the cast and everyone else involved was so amazing that we all went out there and put out a fantastic show each and every time.  Luckily this past week has been picking up with almost full houses.

The Cast of Luckiest Kid

I also got my final Voice Over Demo!  I'll be posting it on my website soon once I have time to update it.  It sounds really great and I'm really excited to take this next step in my journey as an actor.  It'll take time to build up but I'm happy to have this new focus, considering I've felt like I've been floating around, not really sure what I'm doing in my theatre career.  So to have something like this that's almost like having tunnel vision is actually welcome in my life.

Recently, I think because it's been nearly a year since my friend Reuben passed away, I've been thinking a lot about him.  At times it's all consuming and other times it's fleeting.  So I'm writing a show.  I need to get this out of my body and share this with the world.  It's no use keeping it to myself.  I'll go mad.  So I've been writing a piece in my head and a bit on paper about grief.  In February I did a piece with Brat. Shit. Crazy. II and this piece is influenced by that.  I actually wrote a proposal recently to a theatre company here in town to get some help with development so we'll see how that goes.  I should be hearing this week.  More on that later.

While I don't have anything official lined up in theatre, life is busy busy.  Our eBay store is going well and we have SO MANY ITEMS to add.  Now with the show closing I'll be spending a lot more time in the apartment doing just that.  Add add add.  It takes a while but once people start buying your items and you can pay your rent doing that, it's worth the time.  We're getting better at it.  Click the link below to see our store.

Alfies Nook

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my acting coach Peter Schmitz to go over monologues and some sides for an upcoming audition that I have.  I'm also going to talk to him about my direction in theatre.  Applying to schools and summer programs and whatnot.  I am also meeting with an agent in two weeks and going to an EPA in NYC to get seen by a Shakespeare Theatre.

The going has been tough with getting work in theatre recently but you know I have a great community here and wonderful friends.  I've been actively attempting to not feel sorry for myself but use the rejections as a motivator  (working out, looking for more work, reaching out to people, etc.).  I've also been better about trying to keep working while waiting to hear back from a job so that when that rejection does come (not that it always does but you get my point) I can say to myself "I have so many other things going on, I'm doing this and that.  And while I would have liked that job and it hurts to not get the job, I gave it my best shot and it wasn't meant to be".  Though getting three rejections in one week hurt (not gonna lie) but I had my cast of Luckiest Kid to hold me up and give me love.  That's just the best.

Also this week I went to a workshop with Tassos Stevens of Coney (a theatre and game company in England).  **SIDE NOTE** I was really tired after having a long day before the workshop but I went because I said I'd be there and I read up on the company and I promised myself I'd try to get out there and do more things.  I had a tendency to just bail on parties and theatre because I was "tired", but who isn't?  And seriously what else am I gonna do stay home and do...what?  But I am also trying to monitor when I am actually tired. **END SIDE NOTE**

Here is a bio for Tassos: Tassos Stevens is an England-based thought leader in the field of game design, audience engagement, and innovation and the founder and co-director of Coney. Stevens specializes in delivering play to people in all kinds of spaces, wherever they are.

YOU HAVE FOUND CONEY

The workshop was great fun!  We played games!  And I met new people.  Tassos is a lovely, talented man who ran the workshop with grace.  I wrote down all the games we played because of our theatre camp and the kids that we have in the camp are getting older and can handle some more challenges.  This past summer I really focused on ensemble and I think it worked.  Certainly having more of a focus helped lift the performances past what they have been in the past.

The next day New Paradise Laboratories (who hosted Tassos and Coney) had a party and Tassos did a beautiful piece called Jimmy Stewart, An Anthropologist From Mars, Analyses Love And Happiness In Humans (And Rabbits). Coney's work is guided by three principles of adventure, curiosity, and loveliness and this performance was just that. All of that. I hope I can use the ideals and games I learned in my upcoming work and teaching.

Alright. I must work out and get ready for the last show of Luckiest Kid.  

You rock.

-Cindy