Lovely Memories and Connections: A Precursor to The Grief Venture

As I was sitting here putting together my to-do list for tomorrow a random memory popped into my head.

This summer there was a girl in my summer camp and her name is Jenna.  Jenna is a tiny little thing, but definitely older than she looks...and tougher.  She always came in bursting with ideas and excitement.  Sometimes I had to say no, other times I had to shush her.  But I always listened and tried my best to really weigh in on her thoughts.  She was charismatic and charming.  Happy and bright.  And we definitely connected.

She was in my play group and she fervently played a crocodile with style and grace.  She totally got what I was "going for".

One day I looked up and noticed she was standing away and to the side.  She was really upset for some reason and I had to take her away from the group and chat with her.  I knelt down and it was like pulling teeth to get her to admit what was happening with her.  She finally admitted that she was afraid that one of the other girls in the crocodile group was angry with her.  She said that she accidentally spilled water on her and the other girl got upset.

"Well it was an accident, and I'm sure she'll understand"

"But what if she doesn't?" She said through heaving tears.  "What if it's like what happened with my friend at school?"

"What happened with your friend at school?"

She tells me this saga of how she accidentally spilled her water on this friend from school and the girl still didn't talk to Jenna.  And Jenna was clearly deeply hurt.

"Jenna, let me tell you something.  It sounds to me that that's the type of person who is angry because she wants to hold some type of power over you."

"What do you mean?"

So here's where I had to go deep with her.  I told her about the type of people who will make her feel terrible about herself just to make themselves feel better.  That there are people who will put her down to feel like they have some type of control over their own lives.  She seemed to follow.  It's a difficult subject to understand.  I'm still figuring it out.  And I told her that.

"Jenna this is something that I'm still learning and I'm an adult.  There are some people that when you meet them you think they are one way and then you get to know them a bit and they turn out to not be who you thought they were.  And those are the types of people you don't want to surround yourself with.  You know, you can choose who your friends are."

She kept crying, sniffling and nodding.

"You can choose who you want to be in your life.  It doesn't sound like she's the type of person you want in your life.  Does she?"

She shook her head.  Really considering it.

"But you know what, you're the type of person I want in my life."

She seemed to understand that.

"Do you want to be in my life?"

"Yes" she replied, with the beginnings of a smirk on her face.

"Now, as for Allie (the girl at camp that she just so happened to spill water on), she's a pretty cool girl.  She's pretty laid back and I bet if you mention the water spilling on her she won't even remember what you're talking about."

We hugged and went back with our group.  Later she told me Allie said that she didn't mind the water after a bit because it cooled her off.

"See?"  I said to Jenna.  "That's the type of person you want to be friends with."

The rest of camp went by and the last day came, which is always accompanied with a torrent of emotions.  40 pre-teen theatre kids saying goodbye to each other.  An empath's worst nightmare.  I said my goodbyes.  I gave my hugs.

And then there was Jenna.  Who I knew was going to swim at her grandmother's house later that day.  I gave her a big hug.  She started to cry.  I tried to make light of it but it really got me.  Jenna was my buddy and I wouldn't be seeing her until next summer.  I said "But you can't be sad!  You're going swimming at your grandmother's house later!".  She nodded with her head still resting on me while her arms gripped me like a vice.

She let go and went down the stairs and walked halfway to the car.  Then she turned and wailed "WAIT!" and ran back and held me even tighter.  That's when I lost it.  We just held each other and cried.  This was the cool little girl who actually taught me about the world.  And now we were saying good bye without the comfort of a definite time we would see each other again.  It was wide open and I know I'll see her again...but I don't know when.  And she knew that too.

Being an actor isn't just about playing well rounded characters and being honest on stage, it's about being a human being in life.  Experiencing life in new ways.  And opening yourself to new life lessons.  Meeting Jenna has helped me enter the world in an entirely different way.  Having her influence in my life has at times helped me to remain buoyant in low times.  When I get down about...whatever.  Having her in my memory helps me feel like you know what, I have people out there.

This life sometimes goes by life a flash and other times goes by like molasses.  Connections are what get me through.

Jenna reminds me that I will be okay.

Onwards.

-C

'Tis the Season...

Really quick post just to check in with everyone on what's happening...

First things first, I'm back at Dickens' Village again for my second season there and there's a whole new slew of people there this year.  I always really enjoy it, kids like to take pictures with me, I get to surprise them with Santa, they all wish me a Merry Christmas.  It's a joyful place to be and I gotta say I like the job.  I especially like the hammer dulcimer music they have playing in the background.  It makes me want to go to a warm Christmas party with a fire place and dancing.  

I also got a job at Starbucks as a barista!  I haven't been in the corporate world for a while so going through formal training with such a big company will take some readjustment for me, but just today I signed the forms and I'm starting next week!  I'm really looking forward to it, make some more money, and they have crazy good benefits if you stay on for a bit.  So I'm excited at the prospect of using those once I'm allowed to.  It's kind of nice.  Like a bit of a safety net for after Christmas so I can figure out how else to make money.

Like I said in my last post, my plan is to work, work, work and save like crazy so that in the new year I can record a voice over demo in NYC and start really pounding the pavement with that.  I'm also going to become a premium member on Voice123.com so I can submit myself for auditions every day.  I think it's a good place to get some experience under my belt and earn some extra money.  A lot of people on the website make a fair amount of money.  So my December is basically work with Christmas somewhere in there.  So if I disappear for a while, that's where I'll be.  Working.  Working my batootie off.

I've also noticed that some bad habits that I've had before are starting to fade away.  For example I used to eat out a lot, grab a coffee here, some lunch there and before I knew it my money would be depleted.  I've been so much better about having more food options and planning ahead.  

While today I haven't been feeling very well (I think it has to do with little kiddos in Santaland...), overall I feel happier than I have in a while.  I feel proud and I really want to take care of myself and my future.  I'm getting back into a more regular smoothie regiment, I'm exercising on a schedule and keeping a log of it in my phone, and I'm trying to do things that I like to do, like cook or watch a good TV show or read a book or play.  I'm trying to get more sleep, though I am a night owl.  I'm working on getting up and outside.  I deleted my Facebook app on my phone because I was just on it too much and sometimes it depresses me.  I find that it makes me compare myself to other too much instead of being happy for what I have.  So I'm trying to make changes.  Good changes.  Slowly but surely.

My interviews for my SoLow 2014 project are well under way.  Because of scheduling I'm having to rearrange things but people are compliant and understanding.  It's already been quite a journey and I have so far to go.  More on that in a later post.  I think this project will help me understand the world.

Ed's mom gave me a recipe for ham and veggies with mustard so I think I'm gonna try it.  Off I go!

Until next time.

-Cindy